Friday, January 20, 2006

"I Hate To Break It To You, But God Is A Man And He's White"

Wendy screamed that into my face two nights ago. I didn't know who she was. Just a minute before, she had stumbled up to our table and asked if she could use our matches. We said yes. We ignored her, and turned back to a discussion of the nexus between religion and political ideology.

"You talking about God?" she asked.

"Yes," I said. "What he -- or she -- may mean to -- "

"I hate to break it to you, but God is a man and he is white!"

I turned towards my two friends, and we all just busted out laughing. We were a bit white, Jewish, colored and amused.

Wendy then decided she liked me first. She pawed at me, like a mother bear cuddling her cubs. Except substitute hands and breasts for paws.

I realize that I'm losing my mojo. I used to be able to flirt and handle flirtatious overtures. Nowadays, I feel helpless in such circumstances. I was later told that I had the pained, vacant look of a war refugee everytime she bore into me. Sounds right.

"What are your politics?" she finally asked us. Libertarian, Communist. "I love communists! You are Greek aren't you," she said to the Jewish guy in the group. He wasn't Greek or a Communist. "I was in Greece last year. Hooked up with a lot of Greeks. But, they were gross. They were all uncircumcised."

Was she in for some suprise with this "Greek."

"What about you, hon," she said pawing at me.

"Um, kind of a Clinton Democrat."

"Yahoo! Serious. I would have been Monica Lewinsky in a second. Cum-stained dress and all. I would have framed the shit."

"Because he's God, right?" I asked.

"I need another fucking beer." She was proving something I thought impossible. That someone could get drunk off Michelob Ultra. Probably took her 48 to get there, but here she was.

We took to calling the Jewish friend Dukakis. Wendy decided she wanted Dukakis in a way the rest of this nation ever did. She cornered him and made her move.

The other dude and me watched it from a distance. He turned to me and said, "You know, right before she came up to us, she was sitting with a table of guys. When she came to our table for the matches, they said, 'Now's our chance and ran out.' Literally ran out."

I turned to him and said, "Now's our chance."

"What about 'Dukakis?'"

I shrugged. "She said she's a VP at Planned Parenthood. Here to hand out condoms and her dignity apparently. Probably no new Dukakises tonight. "

We laughed, and then we waited for him.


Blogger Natalia said...


That's the funniest thing I've read all week.

We're currently discussing it in the apartment. I read it out loud and did voices. Or attempted to.

7:41 PM  

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