Sunday, January 08, 2006

The Metrosexualization Of Joseph K

I am a "regular dude" sort of man. Not the beer commercial type of "regular dude," although I like twins wrestling around in mud in support of Coors Light as much as the next guy. I've played sports and broken things. I've scrapped in my day. If my female friends heard my conversations with the fellas, they'd probably vomit. God, I guess I am kind of a pig.

When it comes to clothes and hygiene, like most regular dudes I keep it simple. At work, I wear suits, shirts, ties, etc. At home, I wear pretty much the same pair of jeans, and about three shirts and two sweaters. I like them, and they are enough.

T finds my sartorial simplicity vulgar. And so, she's tried to revamp my image. Revamp is probably the wrong word. I have no image. I'm a ghost in a mirror.

She got me a gray argyle sweater. The kind of thing worn by the smiley knuckleheads in Old Navy ads, although the sweater came via Banana Republic. I've never worn anything argyle in my life. I told her it was nice and promptly put it in the back of my closet. Check. She then took all my others sweaters to the dry cleaner. Check mate.

So, I was forced to wear the sweater she got me the other day. I was meeting a couple of friends for lunch. The girlfriend of one of my friends was joining us.

When, we met, that girlfriend was wearing the exact same sweater as me. When I was asked by my lunch compatriots why I kept my coat on and buttoned as we ate, I was like, "You mean you don't feel that draft?"

It's not just clothes. This friend of ours got me body wash and hand cream from Crabtree & Evelyn for Christmas. Hand cream. I use soap and shampoo. I am not exactly sure what he thinks I am supposed to do with the hand cream. Put it on my hands? Why exactly would I do that? I am pretty sure he is not nearly as confused by the Barnes & Noble gift card we got him.

The body wash smells really perfumey too. I like my soap unscented or smelling "Fresh." So, normally, it too would go in a drawer somewhere. But, I ran out of soap a couple of days ago. A couple more things to know about me: I can be cheap and lazy.

Which is why I've smelled kind of like a geisha since Wednesday.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

I asked my brother-in-law for advice on changing my look. You know dying my black hair brown or other suggestions. He was mum. Finally I asked "why aren't you giving me any feedback" to which he replied "I am not gay".

2:22 PM  
Blogger Joseph K said...

Why does he have to be gay to tell you that you need hair dye to change your hair from black to brown? (insert comic snare drum sounds here)

In any event, telling a woman what might make her more attractive is something straight men are just as capable of doing as gay men. I may not be able to tell if a woman is wearing eye shadow, but I can certainly tell her how she looks in a particular shirt. Of course, I probably care more about getting her out of the shirt, but that's a different issue.

3:23 PM  
Blogger Chemical Billy said...

Mr. Billy owns seven identical shirts and four identical pairs of pants. The Albert Einstein method of dressing. Works for me.

2:21 PM  

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