Christmas At The K Household

Actual conversation from the Joseph K household:

"Should we get a tree?"

"Why should we get a tree?"

"It's nice. Keeping with the season and all."

"Why don't you give the money you are going to spend on a tree to OxFam or something instead?"

"Because knowing them, they won't spend it on a tree. They'll probably buy some medicine or shit like that with it."

"Seriously, I hope you got me one of those books on the list I sent you."

"I won't tell you what I got, but I will tell you I didn't get a goddamn thing off that list."

"Why?"

"Frankly, I think people can actually die of boredom. I don't want to come home one day, with you dead in the study, clutching a copy of some tome on biostatistics. I might as well give you a crack pipe. You'll have a better time killing yourself that way."

"I just want Christmas to be useful and not frivolous."

"What says 'I love Jesus' more than buying people shit they don't need?"

"How about good works? Why don't we spend Christmas morning at a soup kitchen or something?"

"Hell no."

"Why?"

"Because I am sick of dealing with homeless people. Every fucking day, there are these two cats who harrass me for money. I can't walk to the goddamn metro in peace. Not one day. It's like they are trying to shame me into giving. Silly fools don't know I am shameless when it comes to being miserly. No, screw them."

"Yeah, but see that is why we should help them. They need help."

"No, Christmas is about giving. All those dudes do is ask for shit. Until they get with the spirit of the season, I say screw them."

And thus ends this year's "A Very Joseph K Christmas." Happy Holidays, everyone.