International Incident

I once came close to starting a war with Cuba. It was one of those things, you know, where people (Cuba!) overreact to shit. At the time I was representing the trade interests of the government of Trinidad and Tobago.

Wild and crazy night yesterday. My parents live not too far from me and are downsizing their home. As a result, I've been given piles and piles of my old crap to sort through and preserve or toss. And I was up until 1AM last night doing exactly that. Some of the stuff dates back to first grade. My handwriting then was better than it is now.

It was when going through that stuff that I came across materials from the model Organization of American States ("OAS") program I was involved with in high school. As I mentioned earlier, our school was represented Trinidad and Tobago; we often wondered who Mr. Fleishman pissed off at the model OAS program for us to be stuck with...what was it called again?

In any event, at the model OAS, my colleague O and I were tasked with addressing trade issues. There is a great imbalance in trade in this hemisphere. Without boring you all, for all the whining the U.S. does at the WTO about Airbus subsidies and Canadian steel, it shakes down and loansharks the poorer Caribbean and Latin American countries, dumping its products and making it difficult for those countries to export to the United States. Compunding the problem, these countries have to import a lot because they lack the natural resources (oil) or manufacturing infrastructure to supply their citizens. The unfortunate result are imbalances of trade and deficits in the Caribbean and Latin American, and they have been saddled with IMF (International Monetary Fund) loans to pay trade debts. Sorry, I said I wasn't going to bore you and...

So, my friend O and I proposed a trade program aimed at (1) encouraging American businesses to invest businesses and (2) even lowering some trade barriers in exchange for IMF loan forgiveness. O used a snack he had brought to illustrate the point. He made some incomprehensible speech about carrot sticks. We were both hoping the incredibly hot girl leading the U.S. delegation would appreciate our creativity and savoir-faire (we were both thought we looked suave in the finest off-the-rack suits our parents could buy).

The Cubas erupted in indignation, accusing us of selling out our country for loan forgiveness that should come as a matter of right. We said something like, "We don't see how you are any more justified than us seeing as you have been the Soviets' bitch for the last forty years." Things escalated from there. O threw a carrot stick at the Cubans. We said some choice things about Fidel. They claimed to not even know if Trinidad and Tobago was a real country. The hot girl from the U.S. delegation popped bubble gum.

Bolivia called for a vote on our plan. I was worried until the hot girl from the U.S. got up and made a stirring speech in support of our measure. "Its, um, like a good idea. I like it." We won with 80% of the vote.

As we filed out of the meeting room, one member of the Cuban delegation whispered in my ear, "Next time, you're mine, Trinidad."

I turned to him, "Are you fucking serious? This was a fucking model OAS. Who the fuck cares? You're not the trade ambassador from Cuba. Your name is Ernie and you go to St. Albans. It's over. Get a fucking life."

As I walked off, I noticed the hot girl from the U.S. had been nearby and was now looking at me. She giggled into her hand. I smiled, but never tried to talk to her because I was shy.