Borgnine Update

I write to let everyone know that Ernest Borgnine did NOT -- repeat, did NOT -- make a surprise appearance at the REM show last night to announce that he would be voting for Kerry. There's still time, though.

Michael Stipe was surprisingly apolitical for most of the show, making only a couple veiled references to the importance of election day. He wore a black suit and had a superhero-style facemask painted around his eyes. Michael Mills looked like a reject from a Phish revival audition, sporting Carrot-Top locks and round glasses. Peter Buck never said a thing, but he sure played a mean guitar. Three anonymous schmucks patrolled the rest of the stage, shrouded in shadows and meaninglessly strumming irrelevant instruments.

Stipe donned a Kerry tee-shirt for the encore. That's when the concert turned into a rally. A couple directly in front of us were Bush voters, though, and didn't applaud. The man was 40 and had a mustache. I shall speak no more of him.

There was more shoulder and back hair at the concert than I used to see at REM shows. The guy initially next to us was unusually hairy. He inexplicably went shirt-less for the whole show, which took place in the elegant and restrained confines of DAR Constitution Hall. He repeatedly pumped his fists and yelled "Rock and Roll!", which seemed terifically out of place. After one song of jostling against his sweaty body, my wife made us sneak up a few rows, where we found ourselves behind the mustachioed Republican. (Oops. I spoke of him again.)

In the second encore, Michael Stipe took off all his clothes and revealed that his giant penis had been tattooed with Dick Cheney's likeness and a big cursive "DICK." He said, "Ha ha, fooled you. Go Bush!"

Just kidding. There was no second encore. That was in the first encore.