Saturday, April 01, 2006

Nasty Girl

There is nothing that turns me off more than an attractive woman who is full of herself. I was at this lounge last night with a friend, drinking wine and eating mussels. The place is a favorite of mine, especially when this one bartender is there. I am in love with her. Natural beauty, outgoing, nice. Usually, I am lucky if the woman I am dating is 1/2 of one of those things. Usually, all I get is "going."

The place was packed, and right next to us was this snooty chick. You know the type. Made up beauty, obnoxiously outgoing, fake nice. So full of herself, its coming out of her ears.

I forgot she was there until I had to go to the unisex bathroom. The door was locked. When it opened, she came out, and all I saw was nostrils and an attitude. I went into the bathroom.

I almost fainted. The smell was overwhelming. Like she had been rotting inside. I almost just left, but I had to piss something awful. And what was worse was that I was wearing button fly jeans. The scent was making me light headed, and I was fumbling with the buttons. Then, I thought, "Shit, if someone is waiting, they'll think it was me." Finally finish with the buttons and start pissing. Breathe through your mouth, I told myself. Yuck, I could practically taste it. I pulled my shirt over my nose.

I was so light headed that I didn't realize I'd walked out with my shirt still over my nose. She turned and looked at me, and turned quickly away. She and her companion left soon (SOON) thereafter.

I tipped the bartender $20 on a $40 bill. Now, the question is whether she'll marry me.


Blogger Natalia said...

You lead a charmed life, J.

Want to trade? ;)

7:56 PM  
Blogger Joseph K said...

My life is like war. Mostly long stretches of boredom, peppered here and there with moments of intensity.

You know, actually I would consider it. I remember with fondness when I was writing my senior thesis and life was one big beautiful unknown. Savor it. One day you are talking about Camus; a few years later you are talking about whether to refinance your mortgage. And it happens like *that*.

10:17 AM  
Blogger Natalia said...

Mortgage? I'll probably have nothing to mortgage for a long, long time... Though Khaldi and I can't wait to adopt a pair of Huskies and get disgustingly domestic.

12:22 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I won't ask for royalties on this but matches are a must. They destroy all ass odors. Simply light one when confronted with the grossness, wait a few seconds. The odor will leave. I try to carry them at all times

11:25 AM  
Blogger almostlegal said...

Oh, she'll marry you. And after that post, I would too, if you asked nicely!

1:28 PM  
Blogger Joseph K said...

AL: Thanks. I can play nice, but I just hope none of you talk to my ex-wives.

11:18 PM  

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