Office Scatology

What does an office bathroom say about us as a society?

Absent a sense of ownership over a space, we just piss all over the damn place. I never cease to be amazed at the puddle of piss underneath mens' urinals. I am, frankly, chagrinned. The men's urinal does not require precision peeing. It is a relatively large target. To put it in perspective, imagine the William Tell story involving a pumpkin instead of an apple.

Yet, for some reason, people miss the mark all the time. I don't get it, are they marking the tiles to scare off coyotes or something? People like me are left getting into twister poses to avoid standing in puddles of piss. I hope its just an office thing. I hope there aren't inches thick lakes of urine in mens' home bathrooms across the country.

And apparently there is a chronic pubic hair shedding problem. Maybe its a lack of iron or something, but its like I am walking in a pine forest. Except for pine needles covering the ground, its pubic hair.

Fear strikes when I am hit with an unavoidable need to do "number two" at work. And I live in fear of someone else coming into the bathroom and getting into the stall next to me. Call me crazy, but I find it hard to take a shit when someone is sitting a foot or two away from me, just beyond a metal barrier that is open on the top and bottom.

But, when I shit in a room with other folks there (that is really what it is). I try and be, well, discrete. I try and be courteous to my fellow shitter. Give him the impression that he's alone. If I could hire a string band to make it even more pleasant, I would.

But, other people are not so courteous. For some people, their shit is a cry for attention. They are a bunch of defacating prima donnas. Grunts, groans. It is in public bathrooms that I first learned shitting could be an ordeal. One guy actually pounded the side of the stall the other day, perhaps hoping the shit fairy would push it out. I fled. And later prayed for him.

And if you think it's just men's bathrooms, I heard some stories from my female colleagues that have kept me up a couple of nights.

So what does an office bathroom say about out society? We're full of shit, it's a struggle to deal with it, sometimes we're pissed and don't know how to handle it.