Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Office Scatology

What does an office bathroom say about us as a society?

Absent a sense of ownership over a space, we just piss all over the damn place. I never cease to be amazed at the puddle of piss underneath mens' urinals. I am, frankly, chagrinned. The men's urinal does not require precision peeing. It is a relatively large target. To put it in perspective, imagine the William Tell story involving a pumpkin instead of an apple.

Yet, for some reason, people miss the mark all the time. I don't get it, are they marking the tiles to scare off coyotes or something? People like me are left getting into twister poses to avoid standing in puddles of piss. I hope its just an office thing. I hope there aren't inches thick lakes of urine in mens' home bathrooms across the country.

And apparently there is a chronic pubic hair shedding problem. Maybe its a lack of iron or something, but its like I am walking in a pine forest. Except for pine needles covering the ground, its pubic hair.

Fear strikes when I am hit with an unavoidable need to do "number two" at work. And I live in fear of someone else coming into the bathroom and getting into the stall next to me. Call me crazy, but I find it hard to take a shit when someone is sitting a foot or two away from me, just beyond a metal barrier that is open on the top and bottom.

But, when I shit in a room with other folks there (that is really what it is). I try and be, well, discrete. I try and be courteous to my fellow shitter. Give him the impression that he's alone. If I could hire a string band to make it even more pleasant, I would.

But, other people are not so courteous. For some people, their shit is a cry for attention. They are a bunch of defacating prima donnas. Grunts, groans. It is in public bathrooms that I first learned shitting could be an ordeal. One guy actually pounded the side of the stall the other day, perhaps hoping the shit fairy would push it out. I fled. And later prayed for him.

And if you think it's just men's bathrooms, I heard some stories from my female colleagues that have kept me up a couple of nights.

So what does an office bathroom say about out society? We're full of shit, it's a struggle to deal with it, sometimes we're pissed and don't know how to handle it.


Blogger Jenn said...

oh, damn - give me a minute to stop laughing...

I am so incredibly tempted to post this on each and every bathroom stall at work.

11:20 PM  
Blogger M. Fresh said...

BAHAHA. Oh shit. I just pissed myself...

12:51 AM  
Blogger Stefanie said...

Very on-target post today, Joseph. Relevant and heartening. Because I really really share your angst.

In my building, the whole floor shares a set of bathrooms.
Wouldn’t you know it *every single time* I go, one of the 5 women from my office has to go in there. I go once a day!!! That’s it! They have bladders the size of acorns.

It’s crazy and I hate it. Plus, I always thought uptight bitches were retentive, not the opposite. I guess that’s what I have learned.

4:38 PM  
Blogger Philofaxer said...

There is much truth here. When I worked in New York, the nicest floor in the office (where important clients, etc., were most likely to be) didn't have communal bathrooms -- just a series of small, private bathrooms, each with toilet, sink, and locking door. It was heaven. I would go up several floors just to use them.

6:36 PM  
Anonymous tequilita said...

haha...bathroom angst. myself and all of the women on my floor are very open about our shitting anxieties. we talk about it so openly, i don't know why it's still an ordeal to shit with them in the bathroom. we all know where the empty bathrooms are in the building. for some reason the lobby bathroom is always empty and clean (and has an automated air freshener). it's a shitter's dream. except the other day, the stars were out of alignment or something. everywhere i went was full...1st floor, 18th floor, 20th floor. was it a full moon or something? what was going on? hmmf. shit.

8:56 AM  

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