Tuesday, January 11, 2005

You Frickin' Animal Haters!

The only conclusion I can reach from the fact that no one commented on my previous schmaltzy paean to my dog is that this blog's readership is comprised mainly of evil dog-beaters who torture and maim small, furry animals as a pastime. Please stop. Dogs are far too furry to deserve your abuse. In an effort to discourage this activity, here is more schmaltz.

An insidious disease eventually afflicts all dog owners: Punnitis (pun-ITE-iss). This disease, apparently caused by repeated inhalation of fecal vapors, causes a person to abandon the usual conventions of the English language and replace them with an endless series of dog- and animal-related puns. Punnitis sufferers include dog puns in everyday conversation, and titter uncontrollably when they come across, or create, a particularly good new one. Punnitis sufferes are responsible for countless abominations in the naming of local businesses. We can buy overpriced edible baubles for our dog at Pawticulars; board him at Wagtime; and have him walked by Tails of the City. We're just scratching the surface here.

I confess: I am a punnitis sufferer, with a severe and extensive symptomology. My symptoms have included the creation of the following puns:

- A Jewish dog does not wear a yarmulke. He wears a yarMUTTke.
- Also, a Jewish dog has no opinion on whether Jesus Christ was the messiah. However, he believes strongly that Jesus Christ was not the MUTTssiah.
- A Jewish puppy becomes an adult at his Bark Mitzvah. Or at his Bar Muttzvah. Take your pick. (Don't ask me why Jewish phraseology is so pun-friendly. I'm not even Jewish.)
- A dog does not go to Home Depot to buy supplied for home improvement projects. He goes to Bone Depot for his bone improvement projects.
- A dog does not believe in the global war on terrorism. He believes in the global war on terrierism. Down with the terrierists!
- Our dog recently wished my wife and me a happy anniFURsary, and proclaimed that he was happy not to be an illegitiMUTT son of ours.

I could go on and on. And I will, as soon as I think of others.

My parting advice: Animals -- Eat them; don't beat them.


Blogger Henry Baum said...

I was a dog lover before this post, but now I have an overpowering desire to beat a dog. Preferably a fluffy, Jewish puppy.

12:38 PM  
Blogger tequilita said...

i don't have a dog so i'm beating my cat.

9:03 AM  
Blogger Spiral Stairs said...

Kimberly, cats are also too furry for beating. Therefore, eat it; don't beat it.

11:08 AM  
Blogger tequilita said...

ahhhh...[insert dirty joke here] ;)
i will not bite...

1:01 PM  

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