Wednesday, January 26, 2005

Three Fitness-Related Things I Hate

Joseph's recent musings on exercise, fitness, and weight have got me thinking: Man, there are three fitness-related things I really hate. Here they are:

1. People who jog in place. Whenever I'm standing at an intersection and some jogger comes up panting and hopping up and down next to me, I think, "You're a dumbass." The people who do this are the same people who read books like "7 Habits of Highly Successful [read: Annoying] People" and who sang along with "Let's Get Physical" in the 80s. They have bangs, and still listen to tapes. They also talk about themselves too much at parties. To these people, I say: "You're a dumbass, and a fucker."

2. People who spend an hour a day at the gym, but use the elevator to go up one floor and patrol parking lots until they find a spot less than twenty yards from the door. I really don't have to say anything else about these fuckers.

3. Bicycles I know, I know. This is an unpopular one. But Jesus, why do bicyclists think they run the world? When they're on the road, they disobey stop signs, go the wrong way down one-way roads, weave distressingly in the inches between your car and the curb, and otherwise treat the civilized world like we've gone beyond Thunderdome. When they're on the sidewalks, well, they're on the sidewalks. In fact, I truly believe that sidewalk bicyclists are lower forms of life, to whom the usual protections of the Constitution and general moral principles do not apply. It's a fucking sidewalk, people. Get your people-powered balance machines off it. Fuckers.

I hope there's something uplifting on TV tonight.


Blogger Joseph K said...

I have a treadmill. So most of my jogging is "in place" technically. Does that count? If so, I hate you too. If not, I agree wholeheartedly. If something else, then I am confused.

10:58 PM  
Blogger Spiral Stairs said...

I'm really focusing on people who jog in place outdoors, because they are waiting for a light to change or for traffic to clear. Joseph, whatever you do in the privacy of your own home is your business, not mine.

8:26 AM  
Blogger TheUnknownBlogger said...

Whenever I encounter cyclists, I have an urge to perform one of two possible professional wrestling moves: the "clothesline" (recently exhibited by Jacksonville Jaguar Donovan Darius on Green Bay Packer Robert Ferguson, effectively hospitalizing his cheesehead ass) or the "flying burrito" a move popularized by former NFL player turned wrestler Manny "The Raging Bull" Fernandez. "The Bull" would leap into the air, hands clasped together, and karate chop an approaching opponent across the windpipe, thus leading to a coveted 1-2-3. This, of course, differs from the "Big Boot" I impulsively want to give to children running in my direction, a la Hulk Hogan. Often I wonder how many people instinctively perform wrestling moves on unsuspecting people. Like the number of licks it takes to get into the center of a tootsie pop, the world will never know...

5:58 PM  

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