Apocalypse Now

Clay Aiken was given a prime time Christmas special which aired tonight, another clear sign that the Apocalypse is impending. It is therefore time to check in with former teen star Kirk Cameron at his website www.wayofthemaster.com for more tips on surviving the Rapture.

Kirk's partner in the divine is this cat named Ray Comfort. Ray, easily identifiable by his bushy moustache, has this weird obsession with converting truckers; the hairier and more tatooed, the more Ray is drawn to them. Ray's house is the house kids avoid on Halloween, because -- as he explains on the web site -- he dispenses not candy, only the gospel (yuck! might as well give fruit). Anyway, according to Kirk and Ray even lusting after another woman in one's heart is adultery. It is not clear from "Way of the Master" gang whether you have to be married for lusting to be wrong. Nor do they specifically address lusting after a man (or truckers!). But, I should stop with the questions and cynicism because that is going to buy me a one way ticket to hell.

Anyways, they argue that when you are born again, you are given new desires, the desire to serve and please God. Which raises this question: What do you get to please the God who has and is everything, aside from being a crass brown-noser who sweats God all the time? Somehow a necktie seems cheap and tacky. Shoes? I have no idea what God's shoe size is.

Any suggestions about how to please the God who has everything? Post your suggestions in the comments section.