Wednesday, December 01, 2004

Election Update

I know some Banality Fair readers have been staying away from post-November 2 news. Here is a quick update about one story that some have missed: As it turns out, Bush stole the election, and Kerry really won. Oh well. Cruise on over to DailyKos or MyDD and you'll see what I'm talking about. In essence, just about every vote in every state was converted into a Bush vote, regardless of precinct, machine type, hair color, or voter left-handedness or right-handedness. In a nutshell:

1. Electronic machines were hacked by Diebold, a company whose CEO cryptically commented before the election, "I promise that our electronic voting machines will erroneously count all votes as Bush votes, regardless of the voters' intent." No one knew what to make of his comment before. Now we know.

2. Punchcard ballots were, as in 2000, inscrutably difficult to use. Republican operatives again designed a foolproof strategy for delivering punchcard votes to Bush, with a ploy even more subversive than the "butterfly" ballot gambit in 2000. This year, tiny Republican-leaning nano-machines were attached to Kerry chads, such that when the Kerry chads were pushed out, they operated like miniscule helicopters, displaced a Bush chad, and reattached themselves in the Kerry section. Devious little buggers.

3. Electronic scanning machines -- "Scantron" for those of us who attended high school in the eighties -- were equally rife with fraud. It turns out that the Kerry section of the ballot was coated with an oily plastic substance that caused all ink and pencil marks to ooze over to the Bush side.

4. There was also fraud in the distribution of voting machines. For instance, in Ohio, no predominantly black precincts received any voting machines at all. However, in the white suburbs, each citizen received, by hand delivery, a personal Pentium 4-powered laptop with customized, WiFi-powered remote voting software.

Anyway, all of this fraud simply hasn't been covered by the mainstream media, so even if you haven't been watching it, you haven't missed anything.

Since all voting methods were corrupted in this election, I really see only one answer: Voice vote. At a designated time on the first Tuesday of November, every voter should be asked to step outside and cast a voice vote. Dick Clark will preside over a giant Applause-O-Meter in one of his rockin' Bandstand restaurants. The will of the people shall be heard: loud, clear, and over a hep backbeat.


Blogger Joseph K said...

Re the butterfly ballots: I am not surprised they created an enviroment ripe for voter manipulations. Butterflies, while pretty, are notoriously corrupt insects.

Re the beat: I vote for the theme from Benny Hill. Everything seems to move faster and more comically when that song plays. And, after voting, average looking guys will be chased around by attractive women in their underwear due to some slapstick mishap.

11:25 PM  

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