Saturday, November 20, 2004

Religion Lessons From Kirk Cameron

As mentioned in a previous post, I am pursuing my continuing religious education. And, I found some guidance recently. You ever wonder what Kirk Cameron, Mike Seaver on the 1980s TV show "Growing Pains," is up to these days? Of course not, but I'll tell you. He is now one of the country's most popular Christian evangelicals. His most recent work includes staring in the film version of the "Left Behind" series. It is where agnostic fuck-ups like us get left behind during the Rapture and join forces with the Antichrist (this dude named Nicolae Carpathia) to take out any remaining would-be saved folks. I especially prefer the 38 book "Left Behind" series for kids featuring the Youth Tribulation Force and their efforts to fight the Global Potentate.

Anyways, if you want to be saved, check out the web site: There, Kirk helps you save yourself and others through a series of tutorials and fun lessons. Why? Because if God judges you to be unworthy, you are going to be fried in hell. Seriously, you go to hell, you are going to SUFFER for eternity.

The site begins with Kirk asking you whether you are a Christian or not. If you say you are not, you are told to ask yourself if you are "good enough to go to heaven." The key is whether you sweat the Judeo-Christian God enough. If not, God make you suffer in unimaginable ways.

Kirk walks non-Christians through the Ten Commandments. For some reason (God?) my Internet filters started going nuts as this happened, as religious spyware waged war against my laptop. My unsaved Sony won.

Fun questions: Does the fact that you have sinned against God scare you? It should. According to Kirk, you have angered God by your sins. You may think he is a good God and overlook you sins and just love you no matter what you do. But, Kirk says what kind of judge would he be overlooked your sins. Corrupt! He would be a corrupt God/judge if he overlooked your sins.

I started over saying I was a Christian. Then, Kirk had an urgent message for me: Please don't let your loved ones go to hell without trying to rescue them. Are you saved? If not, I will do everything in my power to help you.

Slight problem: I clicked on a link where Kirk promised me help and guidelines on saving you condemned losers. Apparently, it'll cost me. And, salvation is not cheap either. The Foundation Course costs $60. $60! I don't care about y'all that much. You chumps are on your own...

But, do be sure to check out Kirk's monthly column. His entry this Friday is about his friends and he courageously spreading the Word one night to a bunch of large, tatooed drag racing thugs. Just as these thugs (one of these toughs was named Simon, so you know they were real bad) were about to thrash Kirk and his friends, his friend Larry entered something called the "witnessing zone" where he spread the word of God with much force and clarity. Some of the thugs were saved; Kirk described the whole event as "supernatural." That is another word for "fake."


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Pray tell how you got on Kirk's site?

2:22 PM  
Blogger Joseph K said...

I was guided to his site by God.

3:09 PM  

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