Monday, May 28, 2007

Things I Don't Like, Part 1

I am starting a new series: 100 things I don't like. They will come sequentially, but in no particular order.

1. I don't like it when people use the word "hate" too loosely.

2. I don't like that VH1's idea of the proper Memorial Day movie is "The Last Days of Left Eye."

3. I don't like visible tattoos.

4. Some days, I don't like you.

5. I don't like Ms. Mexico.

Sunday, May 27, 2007

The Democratic Primary In A Nutshell

While Edwards is too busy getting $400 haircuts and being uncomfortable around gays, this sums the fight between the other two nicely.

Monday, May 21, 2007

Hollywood For Ugly People

That is what they call D.C. And tonight, I spotted a celebrity on the metro home tonight: disgraced former Gonzales chief of staff Kyle Sampson. Some observations:

1. He is short. I had about four inches on him, putting him at 5'6" or so.

2. He appears to have chronic back problems. We had to wait twenty or so minutes for the train tonight. He kept stretching and squatting.

3. He was really struggling with today's Post crossword puzzle.

4. We had beef with each other. He entered in the middle of the car, me at the end. He was standing to my left. I busied myself reading the recent New Yorker piece on L.A. mayor Villarogosa. I looked up at one point to see if he was still on the trian. I didn't see him. As my eyes scanned to the right, I saw him sitting and facing me. He was glaring at me. I glared back at him, adding a dollop of disgust. He went back to his crossword puzzle and quickly scurried off the train when he got to Pentagon City.

Monday, May 14, 2007

The Bachelor

Re the women he is choosing from: "I'm like ' eh-heh." At the end of this race, he finishes with "his kids." "It's going to be so hard, man." Having an extra glass in my possession, I smash it and eat it. Why did I bother to watch this for even five minutes? It made my insides hurt.

Wednesday, May 09, 2007

In Honor of Ray Hudson

I am a huge soccer fan. I watch at least 2 big matches every weekend. Recently, I started to get more into La Liga, the top Spanish league. It broadcasts on GOL TV. It was watching La Liga games that I came to learn of and develop an appreciation for their main La Liga announcer, Ray Hudson.

Last weekend, I was watching Real Madrid take on Sevilla in a tight battle for at the top of the standings. It was an unbelievable match. Tied at 1-1, Real's diminuitive Brazilian striker Robhino runs onto a perfect pas and finishes beautifully to take the lead. He celebrates wildly taking off his shirt. He got a yellow card for excessive celebration. It was his second, which meant a red. He was sent off.

Hudson says, "Oh, he was just too ecstatic. He was just having an orgasm." What?

But that is a typical Hudsonism. There are a bunch of similar Hudson quotes found on his Wikipedia page. Here are my favorites:

"This team was as dangerous as my grandmother knitting a quilt."

"Congratulations, Seamus Malin -- you ugly man. Oh, come on, you didn't think he got (in the Soccer Hallof Fame) on his looks, did you?"

"It'll be real interesting when me and dog arewatching the game tonight, and we're looking, and I'll kick him a couple of times. The dog is going to get acouple of kicks because of the chances that I believewe missed."

"He needs to be on his tippy-toes, like a midget at a urinal."

"Cannavaro is running around like a three-legged giraffe out there, but it's effective."

"Just like a Turkish bellydancer on a surfboard, Ronaldinho skipping through the tulips"

"You've gotta come up with a better coat than this when you're out with a lady like that. What is this? Aparka at Ice Station Zebra?" -- December 2006, pickingon a fan in the crowd spotted with a beautiful blonde during Barcelona's match vs. Atletico Madrid

"Kovalenko for me was outstanding also in his football, not just his gritty performance. He's a footballer; he's got great feet. He's a good link man, a great outlet, he challenges ... he would stab hisgrandmother in the eye for another bowl of porridge."

"Both sides letting fish off the hook the size of sperm whales! A sperm whale isn't a fish, is it? It'sa mammal. But you know what I mean."

"Ronaldinho there, trickier than a squirrel running ona telephone wire."

"Barcelona have been constipated in front of goal. It's like a 3 pound chicken trying to lay a 4 pound egg."

More, Ray, more...

Sunday, May 06, 2007


I have wanted a pet for some time. I travel so much, it is hard to take care of one. Then it dawned on me there is one type of pet that may actually fit my lifestyle. A and I hit the pet store yesterday to get one.

Kitt is one mean son of a bitch. He is a carnivore. And a cannibal. You put him in the same space as another male, he'll tear him up. Or the other male will tear him up. I know this because we almost got two, until the pet store geek warned us off it. Frankly, there was a dark side of me that mildly entertained the notion of Kitt and some other dude hashing it out. Mano-amano.

Or maybe I should say fisho-a-fisho. Kitt is a betta. Otherwise known as a Siamese fighting fish. Siam, as many of us know, is now known as Thailand. So, we sought a Thai name for him. We agreed on Kitt. Well, agree might not be the right word. A did careful research, and explained several names to me. I was watching something at the time and when she asked me whether I was listening to her, I said,"Sure, sure. Let's go with that one." Twenty minutes later, when she she referred to "Kitt," I figured out what "that one" was.

Kitt strikes me as being a bit bourgeois. Maybe it is the fact that he swims around in spring water. Yes spring water. Apparently, Kitt can't live in regular tap water because it is chlorinated. I bathe myself in normal water. I think he realizes the difference and looks down on me because of it.

He is also a bit lazy. He sleeps a lot. Or at least that is what I think he's doing when he's just floating there. I would like to get him some friends, but he'd kill and eat them all. Something I find both cool and tragic at the same time.

And, he just might be insane. I just caught him attacking the glass wall of the bowl. It may be that he sees his own reflection, thinks it is another fish and is attacking him. I am not so sure though. According to the DSM-IV, he is exhibiting signs disruptive behavior disorder. I am going to keep my eyes open for additional symptoms

Thursday, May 03, 2007

Notes on Republican Debate in California

The Republican debate was held at the Reagan Presidential library. From what I can tell, there are no books. Just blow-dried hair, too much make-up and a replica of the 1980s era Air Force One.

On a completely different note, Time magazine just came out with their list of the 100 most influential people. Borat is on the list. None of these guys are. Some context.

8:03 -- Giuliani gets the first question on Republican unpopularity. He points to Reagan as being Mr. Optimism. Frankly, didn't Reagan seem good because Carter was so inept. Like how we feel more attractive standing next to ugly people?

8:05 -- McCain is making me think Iran is about to attack any moment now. Like Phil might. You know who you are, and let's leave it at that.

8:08 -- Gilmore says we want a president who is commands from a position of strength. For the man who helped lower my car tax, I thought he was going to say that he wants a president who puts more money in my pocket to allow me to detail my car. Because if people want that, he is your guy. My car looks good.

8:11 -- Brownback indirectly says Shinseki was right that hundreds of thousands of troops were needed to secure Iraq after the initial invasion. An answer that is a nominee for tonight's unintentional moment of honesty award.

8:14 -- Ron Paul is the less angry Gravel of this debate. I think he wants to bust the railroad oligarchy or something. He is the James Garfield of the Repulican slate. Let's hope he lasts longer in office if he wins.

8:17 -- Tancredo is incomprehensible. Doesn't The Office start soon? He bores me, even after 36 seconds. I think the problem is that he is sounding insufficiently crazy.

8:20 -- Romney wants to kill Bin Laden with his bare hands. I want to do the same to Casper. Casper, you know why. I don't know why these candidates make me wan to settle personal scores. But, it is on.

8:22 -- Almost every Republican candidate doesn't want anyone foreign born to be president. Delightfully honest xenophobia. Not so delightful for Schwartzenegger who is in the audience.

8:24 -- To Giuliani, dealing with blacks only involves dealing with crime and welfare. I have some black friends who might want to not rob him to prove him wrong. And then, they might later rob him to get some extra spending cash, not because they need to.

8:29 -- Abortion, Abortion, Abortion. This is where I come closest to these guys. I am pro life, pro choice. A libertarian view. If a woman feels like she can kill her fetus in good conscience, it is her call. Tancredo is talking about a 40,000,000 person holocaust. Not productive.

8:40 -- Interesting discussion on whether one's faith should influence one's decsion-making. Of course it does/should. Unless you are an astronomist or whatever those guys who look through telescopes and make shit up are called. Those folks are delusional and need help.

8:42 -- Duncan Hunter just said he built an immigration fence all by himself. Would have been less labor-intensive and cheaper if he used illegal immigrants to do the job. I'm just saying.

8:46 -- Thompson makes the 26th reference to Reagan. I only mention this because I am playing the "mention Ronald Reagan" drinking game. I am drunk. No, seriously, I am really wasted. Stop saying Reagan, dudes.

8:51 -- I think I hear Giuliani sighing loudly. Is he about to punch Ron Paul for no reason? He should because there is one reason it would be ok: this shit is boring.

8:57 -- If I heard Jim Gilmore right, he is all for locking up as many single, black mothers as he can. Did he just manage to weave in Reasan too? Ok, I'll drink. What? He didn't say Reagan? Oops. Heh, heh.

9:10 -- Hunter is afraid of immigrants. Brown is bad. If someone threw the UPS slogan at him -- what can brown do for you -- he'd say the best thing is mow my grass and head the heck home.

9:11 -- Giuliani is asked what the sifference is between Sunnis and Shiites. From best I can tell, Giuliani believes Sunnis are "sunnier" and Shiites are "shiitier." Next question.

9:15 -- Mike Huckabee is asked about cronyism in the Bush administration. All I can think is that while he has lost 100 pounds, he needs to lose 20 more. I'm just saying.

9:18 -- Romney is actually pretty darn good.

9:30 -- Everyone fears Clinton, think they are generally different/better than Bush. Reagan again? I'm out of wine. And I'm out of interest. Just in time for me to pass out.

Tuesday, May 01, 2007

Gilbert Arenas Presents: How Not To Talk To Your Toddler

Gilbert Arenas, all star NBA player and all star weirdo, has a blog on Periodically, I'll be presenting some of Gilbert's insights and wisdom.

Here is Gilbert describing explaining to his toddler daughter that he has been picked to be on the cover of the video game "NBA Live '08:"

"My daughter picked up the cover and was like,'Da-Da,' and I was like, 'You’re Goddamn right that's Da-Da! I’m on the cuh-vah.'"

"Goddamn" right? That little "bitch" is nailed it, huh, Gilly?