Sunday, July 30, 2006

Magic Beans

It's true. Really. I have no idea how it happened. How I ended up with a subscription to FHM magazine.

It was just there among the two week pile of magazine. There was Joseph K's name on the subscriber sticker. But, I hadn't paid for it. I tossed it in the trash instantly. Then, I took it out. Yes, I took it out because there was a cover photo of Amanda Beard half-naked being sprayed by water. I mean, what the fuck? It is some subversive shit.

So, I had two week of New Yorkers and FHM to read this afternoon. I wanted to learn more about swimming. Sue me. I read the whole damn thing.

At the end, there was an advertisement for Pro+Plus pills. The title was redundant, the purpose to address a general male anxiety: schlong enlargment.

I read it out of curiousity. Seriously. No, really, seriously. It was a page long and in small print. The only thing in the magazine that dedicated that much attention to any topic. I was impressed with the detail and analytical depth.

The thing that struck me was that it was developed and endorsed by Dr. Dmitri Zorken. Who was this enigmatic Dr. Zorken? The king of enlargement. I thought I would do some internet research. Result: zilch. Nothing about Dr. Dmitri Zorken who has pioneered the art of creating massive schlongs. On the internet. Where sex rules. If one were TC from Illinois who claimed to have gone from 4 to 8 using Pro+Plus, you think he would have created a web site dedicated to the worship of his savior. Zilch.

Maybe this is another case of nature over nuture. The only magical beans in this world grow giant bean stalks and deliver farts. The world is still as I know it.

Friday, July 28, 2006

We love you, David Hasselhoff. You can go now.

Does anyone think it's ironic - and if not ironic, then very weird - that David Hasselhoff is a judge on a show called "America's Got Talent"?

I love David Hasselhoff in the same way I love William Shatner and Doug Henning. They persist in the nation's celebrity consciousness, even though they elicit giggles at just the mention of their names. They are their own joke. Shatner has taken impressive advantage of his own cheesy persona, so kudos to him. (Check out Shatner's version of Elton John's Rocket Man. Priceless.) Henning, not so much.

But Hasselhoff?

Sure, millions of Germans think he's a rock star. Sure, he'll live on forever in syndicated episodes of Knight Rider and Baywatch. But will anyone ever take his curly-haired, blue-eyed, gangly-bodied displays of shirt-cut-down-to-there, mediocre talent seriously? Or will we all continue to laugh at his obvious silliness, until the hotel minibars of the world finally extinguish his fragile but bitter flame? (Don't forget it was his greedy consumption of the entire contents of a hotel minibar that sent him on the path to - at least - recovery from alcoholism. Now, if those tiny bottles of booze could have done something about his ego...)

I've got 4 words for you: David Hasselhoff: The Musical.

You gotta give the guy some credit for trying, no matter how much you want him to stop.

Sunday, July 23, 2006

Universal principles

I just had a lively, drunken conversation with some friends concerning one of my favorite topics: food.

The precise issue was this: any food will taste better if you add either garlic or chocolate.

(Obviously not both - although I have a friend whose mom dips pickled garlic into hazelnut chocolate sauce. A truly disgusting combination, having tried it myself.)

I can't think of any food where this universal principle wouldn't apply. Can you?

Saturday, July 22, 2006


If I told you I almost got robbed by a "seal," would you think the animal or a Navy SEAL? I had to clarify this for someone, about five minutes into a story. Stupid request for clarification, right? Yes, I understand that the story happened at the beach, but I clearly mentioned the flippers...

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Someone evacuate me

Today I found myself actually wishing I was being evacuated from Beirut. Feeling pangs of jealousy as I clicked on all the news sites, I wanted to be taking off in a helicopter bound for Cyprus. I wanted to board a ship as Israeli bombs thundered in the distance.

I was that bored at work.

Is my job that bad? Not really. It's like an annoying friend whom you've decided to accept. Not that your friend isn't annoying anymore, they just don't bother you quite as much as they did when you first met them. You grow used to their constancy, their irritating presence, that peculiar smell they have. You can't really escape them - they would call constantly, wondering where you are - but every once in a while, you get a few precious hours, or even days, when you're free of them. But there they are when you come back. You think they're OK, though you'd trade up immediately if given the chance.

Every once in a while, though, that friend makes you long to jump out a window. "Anything," you say to yourself as you prepare to break the glass, "anything is better than this."

A colleague of mine just left work for a two-month medical leave. Appears she has "shingles." I still don't really understand what "shingles" are, but her doctor informed her that she needed to take some R&R to get rid of them. So, she's going to travel in France for a few months, hoping her condition improves.

Now I want shingles, too. I don't think I would want to have shingles while I was being evacuated from Beirut. But then again, on a day like today, would that be better or worse than jumping out my window?

Sunday, July 16, 2006

Going West

I am off to Southern California for two weeks on a make or break work project. And of course I am woefully unprepared (that's where you don't tell your colleagues that you did 90% of the work on the five hour flight to CA). Anyway, blogging from me will be light to non-existent. But, M. Fresh should be reappearing in the next day or two to fill the gap, so keep checking with us. I might sneak in a post of two, too. You know, priorities: the people's business or this exercise in narcissism, hmm...

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

Non Sequitur Wednesday

The situation in the middle east is escalating. Abductions. Attacks. I like pie, but mostly pecan.

Monday, July 10, 2006

The Shuffling Crew Comeback That Wasn't

The Onion has this piece on an apparently failed Shuffling Crew comeback attempt. This is one of my favorite Onion articles. Some highlights:

  • "[The new album] will definitely reflect our maturation as a group and as individuals," said [Fridge] Perry, who may be large but is no dumb cookie. "Back then, we were young, wild and arrogant: Jim [McMahon] had his spiked hair, shades and controversial, message-bearing headbands, and I had my legendary eating exploits and rushing touchdowns. We kind of had this attitude like, 'We're so bad, we know we're good, blowing your mind like we knew we would.' But while the new record will still have that trademark Shufflin' Crew swagger, it will also show our more reflective side."
  • All of the original Shufflin' Crew members are expected to participate in the reunion except Otis Wilson, who told Spin magazine in a recent interview that his "heart just isn't in it anymore."
    "Back when the group first started, we were just struttin' for fun," Wilson said. "But once we hit it big, everything changed. Suddenly, there were business meetings, publicity appearances, video shoots, sponsorship deals. Before long, it wasn't about the music anymore. That's when I knew I had to get out."
  • In negotiating terms for the new album with Geffen Records, the Shufflin' Crew made one demand: complete creative control over the project.
    "We made it clear that under no circumstances would we allow participation by the female referee who twice blew a whistle over our singers' attempts to say the word 'ass' during the 'Shuffle' sessions," backup vocalist Steve Fuller said. "The Bears traffic in the truth, and either you can handle it or you can't. Censorship is slavery."
  • One of the most successful American bands of the mid-'80s, the Shufflin' Crew broke up in May 1986 due to creative differences and infighting, particularly between Gault and keyboardist Gary Fencik. Gault embarked on a solo career in 1987 and scored a minor hit with the song 'Chocolate Swirl (That's What I'm As Smooth As),' but never equaled the success he had with the Shufflin' Crew. Fencik and Fuller went on to form the band Touchback with New York Giants wide receiver Phil McConkey.

Saturday, July 08, 2006

Greatest Band of All Time

Saw this on Atrios and had to embed the link as well. The Shuffling Crew redefined hiphop in the 1980s. The band was a tight outfit, with Stephan Humfries on drums, Calvin Thomas on drums, Dennis Gentry on bass, Mike Tomczak rocking out on guitar and Tyrone Keys on -- appropriately enough -- keyboard. The rappers were world class. Before there was Eminem, Steve Fuller (4) was clearly the funkiest white rapper around. Mike Singletary made it cool to have big glasses. Otis Wilson got the ladies steamed. Enjoy.

Utterly Useless

Last night, I was hanging out with a friend of mine and some friends of hers. When it came to going to the next spot, her friends insisted on going to a gay bar. I had never been, but thought it was an important step in beefing up my progressive bonifides, so what the heck.

While we were there, this woman came up to my friend and started hitting on her. My friend explained that she had a boyfriend. The woman then asked if she knew where there the good lesbian bars. She shrugged her shoulders. Then the woman asked the gay guys in our group. They couldn't help her.

She turned to me, and said, "What about you? Do you know where some good [lesbian] spots might be?"

"Sorry, I have no clue. I am the token straight friend here."

She scowled and said, "Well, you are utterly useless." Then, she walked off.

Actually, she might have said "fucking useless." Either way, she was probably right. On multiple levels.

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

She Loves You. And, You Too.

A friend of mine is doing on-line dating and got the following scam email. I thought it was hilarious and am passing it along:

I wish to get acquainted with you; I hope you allow to make it for me. First of all, let me introduce myself. My name is Nadya. You will be, probably, surprised to receive this letter.
I want to tell you about the purposes of my life and about myself a little. I am an educated and cheerful woman. It will be very good, if you look at my picture. It will be the best way to judge my appearance. I have some pictures, and I will be glad to send you my pictures, so that you could see me better. My email is I always dreamed to find my love. I'm searching for my soul mate! My second half in my life!!! I want to say to you, that I do not search for an easy life. I search for my happiness in a life. Do you understand? I like to work; I like to have a fair life. I dream to create a family and to take care of my husband. I want a man who loves me and also take care about me. I like tenderness and kindness in a person. Also I like a decent and fair person. I'm young and I want to think about my family. I want to create a healthy and strong family in a lot of good statuses for a life! I will be waiting and I hope that you will not ignore my letter. Thanks! Sincerely yours, Nadya.
P. S. I have search to you, that you have written to me on this e-mail address: And it would be more convenient for me because I cannot pay completely my membership in the given site. I will be waiting for your answer impatiently!!!

(Joseph K: I think I might match up better with her than him. I am cheerful and educated man. I hope he doesn't mind me contacting her most impatiently).

Saturday, July 01, 2006

Allez Les Bleus!

Brazil-France: What an incredible game! Anyone who has spoken to me about the World Cup the past few weeks has heard my tirade against Brazil (I find their skills incredible, but the game they play to be too cute). I was walking the streets of Adams Morgan after game with a buddy of mine, and there were a bunch of attractive, sad Brazilian woman lumbering about in disbelief. Their melancholy made them even hotter.