Magic Beans

It's true. Really. I have no idea how it happened. How I ended up with a subscription to FHM magazine.

It was just there among the two week pile of magazine. There was Joseph K's name on the subscriber sticker. But, I hadn't paid for it. I tossed it in the trash instantly. Then, I took it out. Yes, I took it out because there was a cover photo of Amanda Beard half-naked being sprayed by water. I mean, what the fuck? It is some subversive shit.

So, I had two week of New Yorkers and FHM to read this afternoon. I wanted to learn more about swimming. Sue me. I read the whole damn thing.

At the end, there was an advertisement for Pro+Plus pills. The title was redundant, the purpose to address a general male anxiety: schlong enlargment.

I read it out of curiousity. Seriously. No, really, seriously. It was a page long and in small print. The only thing in the magazine that dedicated that much attention to any topic. I was impressed with the detail and analytical depth.

The thing that struck me was that it was developed and endorsed by Dr. Dmitri Zorken. Who was this enigmatic Dr. Zorken? The king of enlargement. I thought I would do some internet research. Result: zilch. Nothing about Dr. Dmitri Zorken who has pioneered the art of creating massive schlongs. On the internet. Where sex rules. If one were TC from Illinois who claimed to have gone from 4 to 8 using Pro+Plus, you think he would have created a web site dedicated to the worship of his savior. Zilch.

Maybe this is another case of nature over nuture. The only magical beans in this world grow giant bean stalks and deliver farts. The world is still as I know it.