Saturday, August 12, 2006


I am a fantasy football geek. Actually, I am a geek generally. But, among the many subgroups of geekdom, I am definitely affiliated with that of fantasy football geeks. And, the next season is about to start.

Over the years, league membership has stabilized. It's basically the same 11-12 core group of guys. We are all in our 30s. And we live vicariously through the sporting exploits of men who are bigger, faster and better looking than us.

When you are in that age bracket, a lot of important life events happen between last season and this season. Two of the guys had babies. One got married. One got engaged. One got engaged and then broke it off a few months before the wedding. All of these men are going to spend many, many hours preparing for the live draft in a couple of weeks. They'll love their wives and babies. But, they'll also love to get Kansas City RB Larry Johnson.

Joseph K is the commisioner. Do I get drunk with power on occasion? Absolutely. But, I like to think of myself as a benign dictator with thick skin. And you have to be, because all of these guys in their 30s whine and cackle about everything. And the phone calls to gossip about league goings on (trades, beefs) ... man they can take some time out of the work day.

One year, Commish K was to busy to run the league and a buddy took it over. He started to use democracy and consensus-building to determine scoring and other league issues. It was chaos. The following year, I regained control of the league and imposed my iron-fisted, dictatorial ways. Things are much smoother under my firm hand.

Inevitably there are 3 to 4 major falling outs a year. Major fights, where these 30 year olds refuse to talk to each other for weeks. These fights usually result from the inevitable trashtalking that goes on, trashtalking that often borders on the surreal. Here is a sample of some from the lead up to last year's championship game:
  • This weekend, your team will be as impotent as an 80 year old dong fresh out of the shower. As you grasp your withered, lifeless vestige of manhood lost, you'll yearn for your days of fantasy football virility.
  • Now if I am an 80-yr old man, I am not the type with a withered manhood, but rather I am a Charlie Chaplin-esque wizened old Don Juan (CC had babies when he was in his 70's) and I am going to knock your team up like he did his dear wife Oona.
  • Every sports dynasty is tested by a gatekeeper who first serves as a seemingly insurmountable obstacle. The Cowboys had the 49ers. The Bulls had the Pistons. And I have you. You are a fossil. A relic of a bygone era in fantasy football. You might want to change your Depends and refill your Viagra prescription, because if you're Charlie Chaplin, I'm Joe McCarthy and this weekend your pinko commie ass is going into exile.
  • You seem to be well-versed in childish things such as bogeyman monsters from kiddie movies and TV shows when you were a wee lad being mocked for trying to intimidate the schoolyard bullies with your weak version of "I Pity the Fool". Winning the Superbowl, however, requires experience. The type of experience that I have had in defeating you 2x in our previous postseason matchups (TB and SB), as well as our meeting this year. My seasoned veteran team has faced adversity, overcome Jesus and all sorts of other problems. We are barely being held together, but we know how to win.
  • Well I'll be god-damned! FF owners not fit to eat the corn out of my crap are battling for the championship, while I am toiling in utter obscurity somewhwere amongst the base and common masses. I missed the passage where it was written, "honor the mediocre and the shitty, for they shall inherit the earth, whilst the strong shall be consigned to eighth' place."
The last comment was from a guy whose team finished out of the playoffs last year. At least it gave him more time to spend with his 18 month-old son. Thank goodness our wives and girlfriends don't read the league message board.

But, the league is like its own dysfunctional family. A place where we are free to be a bunch of pointless knuckleheads. To act 1000 times more boorishly than we could in our real lives. I am getting so fired up for it.


Anonymous Veronica said...

I used to do support for and my god.... you guys take that stuff way too seriously. I actually had some dude physically threaten me over it.

5:39 PM  
Blogger Joseph K said...

No violence in our league. Tantrums, yes. Violence, no.

7:36 PM  

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