Why Is Amazon Hatin' On Me?

Over the years, I've bought a lot of stuff at Amazon.com. (Even if, as a registered Democrat, I shouldn't.) In fact, the site tells me I've bought 116 items.

Amazon is a wily assistant in my continuing effort to clutter my life with piles of useless consumer crap, and, as it does with every visitor, it tries to predict what cheap plastic garbage I really want. How it does this, I do not know; but whatever it is doing, it thinks I am one seriously messed up individual.

* Things start off innocently. Amazon thinks I may want diamond stud earrings. It has no idea I'm married, and I've given Amazon no indication that I buy presents for women. Thus, it must believe I am a cross-dresser or otherwise transgendered. There is no other explanation. (Here, I have applied Occam's razor.)

* It recommends that I purchase and read Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince. I don't know what kind of racist crap that book contains (What rocket scientist approved that title?), but I can only assume that Amazon thinks I read at a third-grade level. (Again, a shout-out to Occam.)

* Here's where things get weird. Amazon believes I need a nose and ear hair trimmer. Is it possible for Amazon to have installed a spy camera in my bathroom via some kind of high-tech encryption?

* Now this last one is really bad. Featured prominently on the Amazon home page as one of my top recommendations is a home defibrillator. The catchy marketing slogan, designed to get to me to pull out my credit card and order one or three: "Be prepared for sudden cardiac arrest." Now that they mention it, who wouldn't want to be prepared for that?

In sum, Amazon accuses me of being an exceptionally hairy, learning-disabled cross-dresser with heart trouble. Let me be clear: I DO NOT HAVE HEART TROUBLE.