God Hates The Scouts

When those four scout masters from Alaska got electrocuted early last week at the quadrennial Boy Scouts Jamboree, I thought it was a tragic, freak accident. Then, on Wednesday, as a collection of scouts waited for President Bush to give a speech, the temperature shot up. Three hundred scouts had to be treated for heat-related illness. As they continued to wait, violent thunderstorms unleashed dangerous lightning and torrential rains. Bush canceled the speech. I've heard unofficial reports that a plague of locusts ate out the eyes of a troop from Peoria on Thursday.

I think its official. God hates the Scouts. And with good reason. The leadership is stomach-turningly homophobic. The merit badges are earned for doing useless, dumb stuff like making cabins out of matchsticks or mastering cribbage. They don't teach real skills that you may need to master to survive if you are out in the wild. Like how to wrestle bears or how to speak elk.

Their time has gone, and unless they disperse and burn their polyester short pants and cravats, so to will they, smited by brimstone, blood rain and falling frogs. I am on God's side on this one.