Can I Get a Witness?

I just ran across an astoundingly odd site called the Gematriculator. Using the ancient science of "gibberish" -- oops, I mean, "Gematria" -- the site offers to assign a precise rating of goodness and evilness to any website or text passage you see fit to enter.

How? The fine gematriculologists at the Gematriculator explain: "Basically, Gematria is searching for different patterns through the text, such as the amount of words beginning with a vowel. If the amount of these matches is divisible by a certain number, such as 7 (which is said to be God's number), there is an incontestable argument that the Spirit of God is ever present in the text. Another important aspect in gematria are the numerical values of letters: A=1, B=2 ... I=9, J=10, K=20 and so on. The Gematriculator uses Finnish alphabet, in which Y is a vowel. Experts consider the mathematical patterns in the text of the Holy Bible as God's watermark of authenticity. Thus, the Gematriculator provides only results that are absolutely correct."

Oh. I don't know why I hadn't thought of that before.

Anyway, feel comfortable in continuing to visit Banality Fair: We are more good than evil. The Gematriculator spits out the following certified results (presented in two ways, depending, I guess, on your audience):





Let's run a couple controls, just to make sure.

Yep, Genesis 1:1 to 1:5 checks out. The first passage of the Bible is only 23% evil, and 73% full of Godly goodness.

Stairway to Heaven is even more pious than the Bible! It comes in at 79% good, and only 21% evil.

However, the Gettysburg Address is 64% evil. I guess abolishing slavery isn't worth that much in the cosmic scheme of things.