Suckitude

It's been almost two months since I sent my crappy short story to ten literary magazines. For a while, I bemoaned the fact that I had heard nothing.

Now I wish they'd stop sending me their cruel, heartless hate mail intended only to remind me what a talentless hack I am.

I've gotten three responses. The good news is that, apparently, all three publications are perfectly willing to accept my money, as all three have included subscription request forms in the self-addressed, stamped envelopes that I conveniently provided to them. The bad news is that I do not know how to write a good short story.

Now, now. No need to pipe up with, "No, Spiral! You're a great writer! Getting published is tough, and even the greatest writers have to deal with the inexplicable mayhem of the literary world." Fact is, no one reading this blog has ever read my fiction. For all you know, the story I sent out begins with "It was a dark and stormy night" and ends with "… and the world exploded and everybody died." Or, it may even begin with a ridiculous sentence like this: "Like every man, I remember the precise circumstances of my first waking orgasm." (Okay, that is really how it begins.)

I have no audience for my fiction writing right now, which may be why I am doing virtually no fiction writing. My writing class ended a month ago. I can't possibly post anything serious on line, because that would create the risk of someone saying that something serious I've written sucks. For similar reasons, I'm afraid to show my wife or anyone else anything beyond the casual, underdeveloped thoughts I post here. I haven't even gotten a handwritten "You suck" on the form letter rejections I've received.

One mystery has been solved, however. Returning the first page of your story is a rejection. One of the form letters I received said, "Thanks, you suck, and we're enclosing the first page of your story so you can keep track of which story we're rejecting, and thus which story sucks the worst." Despite that note, they didn't enclose the first page of the story, which seemed odd. How do they know I've only sent out one story? Can they tell I'm an unschooled beginner who has spent 33 years building up to that little 15-page sputtering ejaculation of cliches and triteness?

Anyway, I have to get back to my self-pitying.