Tuesday, March 08, 2005

Tragically Unhip

So I went on mtv.com to prove that I am not an aging fart and can be on one of their inane reality shows. I'd be subversive. I'd act all zany, strong-willed, combative and off-the-wall to get on something like the "Real World." Right before the show starts shooting, I'd gain 50 pounds. Then, I would spend the whole show scratching myself, sitting around drinking milk in my underwear and shrugging my shoulders at my tv roommates' dismay.

Getting on one of those shows. I mean, Lizzie Grubman ran over 16 people, and she's gotten her own series coming out soon. I've only taken out about two squirrels in my life. But, if I need to run over more to get my own show on MTV, I'll do it. And maybe a hobo or two.

Unfortunately, the show pickings are pretty slim.

For example, there is the "MTV Wants to go to the Prom with You!" promotion. My prom was, unfortunately, 14 years ago. But, quite frankly, who wants to just go to some annoying loudmouth, bubblegum-popping teen's prom with them. I think the show would be much more interesting if the show was about "the creepy thirty-year old guy standing in the corner and drinking out of a paper bag." I could do that real good.

Here was an option: "Are You the Ultimate Trash Talker? ... We're looking for the ultimate trash talkers who can hold their own in a no-holds-barred competition that pits the country's toughest smack talkers against one another. Are you the ultimate trash-talker, and do you live in Los Angeles?Are you great at insult humor (e.g. 'Your momma's so fat, her blood type's Ragu")? If so, Wilmer Valderrama is hosting the ultimate trash-talking contest and you NEED to enter!" I think I am a pretty damn good trash talker, but I'd probably get disqualified for directing my trash-talking exclusively towards teen girl-loving, Gen-Xer Will Valderama. On a trash talking show, TV's "Fez" should be kind of like the secret ingredient (e.g., "squid!") on the "Iron Chef;" the trash talkers break him down in creative ways to show their skills.

Then, there is this show: "Are You Stuck in a Nightmare Roommate Situation? Do You Need a Great Roommate?" Yes, yes I do a nightmare roomate situation. Archduke Ferdinand has a horrendous flatulence problem. My therapist claims I live alone, but I am afraid the poor man is suffering from scurvy. So, who's the new great roommate? Christina Aguilera?

A show for the thinking man or woman: "Do You have an Awesome Spring Break body...or Need Help Getting One?"

MTV goes meta: "MTV Wants to Give You Your Very Own Reality Show… About YOU!" A reality show about me, you say. What are their fucking insane? What the hell is that supposed to mean? Ridiculous, everyone knows that are lives are one big farce.

It takes really healthy sense of self to apply for these shows. For example, one show encourages people to apply only if they think they are "endlessly fascinating." I think I am all those things, minus the "endlessly" and the "fascinating." I am " ."

Well, that went nowhere. I guess I'll join a book club instead.

3 Comments:

Blogger Magazine Man said...

For the sake of my marriage, I have watched "The Bachelor" with my wife. And every time I do, I think "Here's another hour of my life I'll never get back.

I'd love to see a new reality show: Stalking the Hosts of Reality TV. They could start with that smarmy dink from "The Bachelor." Put him in a fenced-in preserve with some beef jerky, a jack knife, and a 30 minute head start (oh, and a handful of roses). I'd sign up for that show...

11:44 PM  
Blogger tequilita said...

i actually saw a reality show with a hilarious premise the other day. it's called "motormouth" on vh1. the show hides a camera inside the car of an unsuspecting car-karoke queen/king. (this hit home b/c i am a singing diva in my car - if those walls could talk.) they narrow it down over the course of a season to a few finalists all over the nation -whoever is the funniest. it was hysterical.

6:31 AM  
Blogger Joseph K said...

I like the idea of a show where the reality tv hosts have the tables turned against them. I especially dislike Survivor's Jeff Probst. He's always chastizing the starving, exhausted scrubs on Survivor for not getting the job done, etc., like it'd be a piece of cake for him. Then, he helicopters or boats off to some tropical resort at the end of the day where he no doubt consorts with youngish hookers.

I'd have him compete in an event where dive for flags off some South Pacific Island as part of a challenge to win potable water. As he dives for the second flag or so, I'd say, "here's where things really get tricky, Jeff" and dump a bunch of rank chum in the water. "You could die of dehydration if you lose this challenge, Jeff, so I suggest you continue on with it. Jeff? Jeff?"

8:11 AM  

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