Tragically Unhip

So I went on mtv.com to prove that I am not an aging fart and can be on one of their inane reality shows. I'd be subversive. I'd act all zany, strong-willed, combative and off-the-wall to get on something like the "Real World." Right before the show starts shooting, I'd gain 50 pounds. Then, I would spend the whole show scratching myself, sitting around drinking milk in my underwear and shrugging my shoulders at my tv roommates' dismay.

Getting on one of those shows. I mean, Lizzie Grubman ran over 16 people, and she's gotten her own series coming out soon. I've only taken out about two squirrels in my life. But, if I need to run over more to get my own show on MTV, I'll do it. And maybe a hobo or two.

Unfortunately, the show pickings are pretty slim.

For example, there is the "MTV Wants to go to the Prom with You!" promotion. My prom was, unfortunately, 14 years ago. But, quite frankly, who wants to just go to some annoying loudmouth, bubblegum-popping teen's prom with them. I think the show would be much more interesting if the show was about "the creepy thirty-year old guy standing in the corner and drinking out of a paper bag." I could do that real good.

Here was an option: "Are You the Ultimate Trash Talker? ... We're looking for the ultimate trash talkers who can hold their own in a no-holds-barred competition that pits the country's toughest smack talkers against one another. Are you the ultimate trash-talker, and do you live in Los Angeles?Are you great at insult humor (e.g. 'Your momma's so fat, her blood type's Ragu")? If so, Wilmer Valderrama is hosting the ultimate trash-talking contest and you NEED to enter!" I think I am a pretty damn good trash talker, but I'd probably get disqualified for directing my trash-talking exclusively towards teen girl-loving, Gen-Xer Will Valderama. On a trash talking show, TV's "Fez" should be kind of like the secret ingredient (e.g., "squid!") on the "Iron Chef;" the trash talkers break him down in creative ways to show their skills.

Then, there is this show: "Are You Stuck in a Nightmare Roommate Situation? Do You Need a Great Roommate?" Yes, yes I do a nightmare roomate situation. Archduke Ferdinand has a horrendous flatulence problem. My therapist claims I live alone, but I am afraid the poor man is suffering from scurvy. So, who's the new great roommate? Christina Aguilera?

A show for the thinking man or woman: "Do You have an Awesome Spring Break body...or Need Help Getting One?"

MTV goes meta: "MTV Wants to Give You Your Very Own Reality Show… About YOU!" A reality show about me, you say. What are their fucking insane? What the hell is that supposed to mean? Ridiculous, everyone knows that are lives are one big farce.

It takes really healthy sense of self to apply for these shows. For example, one show encourages people to apply only if they think they are "endlessly fascinating." I think I am all those things, minus the "endlessly" and the "fascinating." I am " ."

Well, that went nowhere. I guess I'll join a book club instead.