Setting the Record Straight

There's been a lot of media coverage over the last few days about J. Lo's marital status. Here is my statement on the matter, for syndication on the press wires: I can neither confirm nor deny whether I married Jennifer Lopez over the weekend. My private life is my private life, and some things are simply off limits. Therefore, neither can I confirm or deny whether I am the father of Jennifer Lopez's unborn baby, if such a baby exists. Maybe now the hounds from Us Magazine will lay off for a while. No comment, okay? Now, let me get back to mourning Ronald Reagan's passing with my big-bootied honey.