Wednesday, June 09, 2004

Everything Reagan

For staunch American conservatives, Reagan was a messianic puppet, who was able to parrot their ideologies far more effectively and likeably than any of their intellectual-types could. Unlike Goldwater who garnered about 14 votes in 1964, Reagan decisively won two elections against wildly ineffectual Democratic candidates. I mean, in 1984, Mondale nominated a barely-vetted Ferraro for VP who had a husband that may have had mafia ties; was that clown even trying?

In return, these conservatives bestowed the man with an absurd amount of affection and devotion. At various conservative "think thanks" (i.e., doctrine mills), the spit out hagiographies of the amiable former president and/or his policies. And then, there is the Ronald Reagan Legacy Project, which even before his death set a lofty goal: get as many things named in honor of Ronald Reagan as it could in every county in America.

They have been relatively successful, e.g., the Ronald Reagan building (second largest federal office building in the country), an aircrift carrier, and they even got Congress to substitute Ronald Reagan's name for George Washington's at DC's National Airport
(which makes the flight from there to Houston's George H.W. Bush Intercontinental Airport a liberal's travel nightmare).

Here are some of the other accomplishments of the Ronald Reagan Legacy Project:

1. Having February 6 declared Ronald Reagan day in many states.

2. Getting the Louisiana Legislature to pass a bill naming part of US 190 after Ronald Reagan.

3. Fighting hard for a Reagan Memorial on the Washinton Mall.

4. Getting some states to commission Ronald Reagan license plates.

5. Getting school textbooks to replace the name "Albert Einstein" with "Ronald Reagan."

6. Getting the Papacy to canonize St. Ronald.

Ok, so the last two are made up (for now). But, here comes Senator Mitch McConnell, who is pushing hard to replace Alexander Hamilton's face, with that of Ronald Reagan on the $10 bill. Who was Hamilton after all, but the father of American capitalism. Yawn. That is like so 1780s.

Maybe it is time for some fresh faces on our currency. Some suggestions:

1. Replace George Washington (weird-looking, slave holder, bad fake teeth) on the $1, with Isaac Washington (Love Boat's bartender, who dispensed cool, delicious drinks and sage advice that comforted millions of viewers...solid; bonus if they get a picture of him doing his pointing, two fingered wassup move).

2. Replace Abraham Lincoln (who supported a back-to-Africa movement as a way of mollifying southerners who feared the sociopolitical consequences of freed slaves) on the $5, with Marcus Garvey (also advocated a back-to-Africa movement, but had cooler uniform).

3. Replace Andrew Jackson (racist, slaveholder, great general, political goon, involved in the slaughter or theft of lands from numerous Native American tribes) on the $20 with Reggie Jackson (clutch hitter, asshole, made wearing glasses while playing sports
cool -- unfortunately, James Worthy undermined that part of his legacy later in the 1980s).

4. Replace Bejamin Franklin (brilliant, talented scientist, ugly) on the $100 with Karl Rove (talented but often overrated, already has a cult of personality, kind of looks like Franklin but even uglier).


Blogger Spiral Stairs said...

Don't forget the most important contribution to my life by President Reagan: I get Friday off.

How many federal paper pushers will spend Friday mourning his death? Maybe two, I'd say. The rest will be going to amusement parks, planting gardens, prancing around like fairies, or, like me, lying on the couch all day ass-first.

9:58 PM  

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