Banality Fair

The Wind Down and The Wind Up

2008-04-17T22:09:00.003-04:00

Well, after four years, Banality Fair's run has ended. But, I'll be starting a new cyberjourney at Muckmaker. Some of the same old absurdity, with a little bit of saccarin courtesy of my new co-blogger, M...soon to be known as Mrs. K. Drop by.

P.S. "M" is not "M. Fresh." So, Mr. Fresh, rest easy.

An Endorsement That Actually Matters

2008-02-03T12:34:00.000-05:00

50 Cent is backing Hilary Clinton for president. Rub those two quarters together and what you get is a movement. No I don't know what that sentence means, but I thought it sounded poetic.

Hilary Clinton on Hallmark Channel

2008-01-31T19:20:00.000-05:00

Apparently, Clinton is going to buy an hour of time on the Hallmark Channel to broadcast a townhall meeting on Super Tuesday eve. It may have a significant impact on the voting decisions of the six women who watch the channel.

The Fury Of The On-Line Clintonista Army

2008-01-16T20:48:00.000-05:00

In the last few days or so, I have come to know the odious writings of Taylor Marsh. I am officially neutral on the deocratic primary; I think they are all good and all have their strengths and weaknesses. But, I find it telling the differences between the supporters of the two leading Dems.

Obama's supporters tend to be true believers, for better or worse. With a doe-eyed, almost cultish devotion, they think everything he does is almost messianic. Frankly, while he has a good message, they might benefit their candidate by demanding more and being a tad cynical; after all the press that shapes the narrative is fueled on cynicism. For those nihilists, hope is an anachronism.

But the virulent hatred by Taylor Marsh, a leading Clinton-supporting blogger. Her anger crosses over to the comical, albeit the depressing kind. Some examples:

On the Nevada caucus: "There's nothing dainty about Las Vegas but things are getting rough. Intimidation. Pledges demanded. People to vote for Obama or stay away from the caucus. Call this union vs. the casino workers." What is the empirical data? "I just did an interview with a Culinary union member who was intimidated while eating lunch in the cafeteria at work." One member out of 60,000 members of the NV Culinary Workers Union consitutes union thuggery for Obama? More like silly blogger demagoguery.
On Obama saying there is something to be learned from Reagan's candidacy, she wrote "Least we forget, [Reagan] sent us into Lebanon, then when we got creamed and Marines killed, immediately parachuted out, which is the first incident Obama bin Laden uses to make his care that the U.S. is an easy mark and won't make a stand if challenged." Obama bin Laden? Stay classy, Ms. Marsh (note: if you think that is a simple typo, note how far the B is from the S on your keyboard.)
If you think she's a class act, check out her crew of commentators. This is one commentator, JoeCHI's thoughtful analysis of Obama: "What a fucktard!"
Another ironically called "Merry" has this insightful analysis of Obama: "Mr. Mimic is a Repuglican." Whatever that means.
A progressive who calls themself BluePuppy had this to say about the NV Culinary Workers constituency: "How many of the Culinary workers are in the country legally? Can they vote?" At the same time, Clinton surrogates are trying to plant the seed that Latinos should not vote for Obama because he's, you know...

Selective editing? Perhaps, but I defy you to find much positive on the site.

Obama represents a new, fresh form of politics, that eschews the politics of hate and division, and seeks to build a working progressive majority. Some folks embrace that. I am certainly considering it.

For some folks, ironically, the change Obama offers incenses. This anger comes from having been marginalized for so long. An it is irrational, unnecessarily anatagonistic hatred. But they think their anger at what has been done to them can fuel a movement. It cannot. Their bitterness is a terrain that while populated, is not most folks destination of choice. After all, I would have no significant problem with Clinton winning, but these advocates diminish my enthusiasm for her considerably. And, this kind of angry nonsense surely turns off the independents and Republicans that might consider voting for a Dem.

The conduct of more aggresive wing of Clinton's online army has been unbecoming. Tearing down usually arise when you aren't that good at building something.

No "Bradley Effect" -- It Was Girl Power

2008-01-13T08:38:00.000-05:00

As the navel gazers try and figure out why the polls were so wrong in the democratic New Hampshire primary, some are nodding towards the so-called "Bradley Effect." The term references a governor's race in California in the early 1980s where black gubenatorial candidate Tom Bradley was up 10 points in the pre-election polls only to lose by a few points. Some analysts claim that people were unwilling to sound racist during phone polling, but were gladly willing to express it in the voting booth.

There are several problems with the application of this theory to what happened in New Hampshire. First, and perhaps most importantly, the theory might be bullshit. I doubt a 10-12 point swing can be explained by image-conscious whites being to cowardly to express their true polling preferences. Another problem with the theory is that it assumes that racial attitudes are static over time and comparable state-by-state (i.e., th relative size and views of racists in CA are the same as those in NH). There is simply not enough data to intelligently discuss the issue.

Further, the pre-primary support for Obama (36-37%) was the same as the actual result. I think its pretty obvious that the combination obsessive-mysogynistic coverage of Clinton drove women towards a solidarity vote. Further the Clinton folks adjusted their campaign brilliantly, focusing on turning out the woman vote in a state where the female portion of the electorate is significantly above 50%.

There was a sense of detached entitlement to the Obama campaign in the pre-primary days that made his team oblivious to the developments on the ground. Crowds are not votes, no matter how loud they may be. There was probably more curiousity than support at some rallies. Team Obama conducted themselves like all they had to do was not fuck up, and the people would come. The five days between Iowa and New Hampshire Clinton had plenty of time to adjust to a winning strategy, which she did (barely -- claiming a two point victory as major is Rovian spin). A tone deaf Obama campaign may not, however, had enough time to adjust back. Or, without the loss, they may never had.

What I Am And How It Matters...

2008-01-10T21:00:00.000-05:00

I have the fever. It has seeped into every pore, every bit of my marrow. The chase for the White House. Those who know me know I have a preference. Over the course of the next months, that choice will likely become obvious. Some part of it anyway.

I was talking to A (soon to be Mrs. K whether she likes the title or not!) about the New Hampshire democratic primary, well before the conventional wisdom began to explain why the conventional wisdom had been wrong. Using conventional wisdom to explore the issue. She is not a Hilary supporter generally. But, for the purposes of the primary she was. There is little question that she would have voted for HRC had she lived in NH.

I was surprised, mostly because I wasn't doing a great job of listening to her at first. When her wise and intelligent points eventually permeated my dull sense of omniscience, one thing became clear to me.

Identity politics matter still in Democratic politics. But more so for women. Hilary won off of sympathy, a powerful, not-insiginificant force in politics where women have been marginalized for centuries. It didn't help that A's first choice, John Edwards, responded to Hilary's legit emotional explanation of the tolls of campaigning with self-serving mysogyny.

Gender identity politics matter more, in my opinion, in states where there is little racial diversity. Imagine, however, the results in racially diverse states. That is where the identity politics chess becomes three dimensional, particularly for minority women who must chose race, sex or neither of the above -- rather, interest.

South Carolina, for the Dems, will be where competing identity politics will stew to a boil. What will black women do? With a pol pushing identity (HRC) and a pol pushing post-partisanship (BHO), the answer would seem obvious. But, Oprah makes clear it is not.

Hypocrite?

2007-12-20T19:56:00.000-05:00

Aside from his general creepiness (this man has the face of Death), did anyone else find something wrong with this video?

Ron Paul is a pseudo-Republican. He is really a libertarian. Who for a minute believes he loves Christ who -- with all his love-the-poor and pro-tax talk (give unto Caeser, etc.) -- was clearly a dangerous, big government liberal? Plus, Christmas is one big "hand-out," with people expecting stuff to be given to them, as opposed to folks exercising their freedom to get things on their own. I imagine that once the director yelled cut, Paul instructed his kids (apparently, he has about 50 based on what I saw in the ad) to "go forage for their dinners."

The Struggle

2007-12-19T19:38:00.000-05:00

It has been exceedingly difficult for me to maintain a regular presence in blogosphere, which is no doubt a disappointment to my 6 regular readers. Why? Its been a combination of things from a crushing work schedule which results in a general fatigue/malaise when I am not spending 14 hours a day doing work nonsense.

But, something has been stirring the fire within me these days. It was the passion the drew myself and the original BF crew to blogging: politics. I am unheathily hooked on this election. Even the absurdities coupled with the vapidity of the reporting on the race.

For example: the National Enquirer wants us to believe that John Edwards may be mildly retarded. John Edwards declared himself a candidate for president on December 28, 2006. At some point in the past year or two, he somehow got professionally involved with a psychotic hippy named Lisa Druck who now goes by the name Rielle Hunter. Apparently, she made some crappy videos for Edwards' One America PAC that he never used. According to the National Enquirer reports, Druck is now six months pregnant. The rag dances around the claim that John Edwards may be the father.

Let's do the math: Some time in June 2007 -- six months into a presidential run -- John Edwards decided to have unprotected sex with Druck/Hunter. With a wife suffering from stage 4 breast cancer. And gets Druck/Hunter knocked up. To do that, Edwards would require a remarkable level of idiocy which -- fortunately for him -- he does not possess. Seriously, I have some dumbass friends who've gotten curable STDs while cheating on their wives who would never do something that dumb. My friend S would probably say, "You need patience. After the election. Plus, you'll probably get better quality if you win."

The only reporter/blogger who seems to be giving this inherently stupid rumor alive is Mickey Kaus, who as we all know, has an unhealthy obsession with where politicians put their genitals. When he is not obsessing over that human carcinogen, Ann Coulter.

That said, he does have a column on Slate magazine. Frankly, I'd be probably willing to dedicate 10% or so of my blogging to politicians' genitals if it got this blog picked up by Slate. Bill Richardson's genitals think we need to get out of Iraq immediately. Wow, it's easier than you think.

Well, Well

2007-11-22T21:22:00.000-05:00

So, it had to happen at some point. I was dispatched to buy "feminine products." I got to the store and wanted to be quick. But, I was given very specific instructions. I was to buy a very specific product. And, it wasn't clear to me where it was. I didn't want to be seen in "that aisle." I wanted to get in and out before someone else saw me.

Then, another dude showed up. Shame. But, he was not looking where I was. He was buying yeast infection shit, a bit up from me. He looked at me. As he put the vagistat in his basket, I shook my head. Punk.

More Partridge

2007-11-20T22:10:00.000-05:00

His message is universal...

Key Endorsement

2007-11-15T22:33:00.000-05:00

The Osmonds back Mitt Romney. She's a little bit country. He's a little bit rock and roll. They chose polka.

Thank God Thomas Midgley Is Dead

2007-11-14T22:57:00.000-05:00

As the inventor behind leaded gasoline and Freon, he might be singlely responsible for the majority of the the damage to the ozone layer.

President Huck-a-le-bee

2007-11-13T23:21:00.000-05:00

He's up by six points in Mayberry. When voters are asked about a Huckleberry/Quickdraw Mcgraw ticket, the lead grows to nine points, outside the poll's margin of error. Food for thought.

Men Are From Mars

2007-11-12T08:33:00.000-05:00

The simple fact is that instead of completing the last batch of Save-The-Date cards on my own, I chose instead to sweep my garage and to fix a toilet in my house. A does not understand why; when she asked me, I said, "Well duh." Discuss.

Alan Partridge

2007-11-10T16:21:00.000-05:00

For a while, I was turned off by all things British. It came after watching a Thompson Twins video and being put off. I couldn't decide what was worse, the fact that they didn't look alike (ranging from pasty white to black) or that there were three of them. What kind of sick fucking joke was this?

Alan Partridge got me back into the Brits. Maybe because I see a lot of myself in him even thoughI am not a 50 year old white guy.

A Translation, Finally

2007-10-08T22:07:00.000-04:00

Courtesy of my half-Indian fiancee.

No, Wait

2007-09-18T20:16:00.001-04:00

So, A and I were sitting at a table, eating lunch after a memorial service last Saturday. A friend of my mom's sat down with us.

"So, who is this?" she asked, indicating A.

"A."

"A, what..."

"Do you want to know her last name?" I asked. Strange.

"No, eh, you know."

"Oh, uh, she's my fiance."

"Oh, congratulations. So, when is the wedding? It can't be May 10, I can't make it then."

Can't make it? My parents have been allocated 35 people. She's a bubble person. It is not clear she'd make the final cut of people who will actual get an invite. "Uh, it's May 25 next year."

"Oh perfect. Then I can definitely make it. I've never been to Texas," she said digging into her food.

Wait, I thought she didn't know who A was or anything about the wedding. "Yeah, it's nice. We'll be near Austin."

"You need to send save-the-date cards. People are sending them out. Wait too long, and people will agree to go to other people's wedding."

Really? I turned to A. And told her, with my eyes, that we should wait to the absolute last minute. At least that was what I was trying to do. Did she get it? She was chewing, so I couldn't really tell.

"She's right," a woman next to her said. "You can't wait. I already have two weddings in May. Where is it going to be in Texas?"

Wait, who was this? I didn't even know who she was. I felt the situation spiraling out of control. I almost lied. That way, this woman might end up in Dallas or something on May 25. Sure my mom's friend might too. But, hey, like I said: she's a bubble person.

Frankly, I don't get the desire to go to someone else weddings. I barely want to go to my own wedding (shhhh -- don't tell A). Not because I don't want to be married. Because I don't want to be on display. Weddings have an air of mildly crass exhibitionism.

People like my mom's friend have probably gone to 50, maybe 75 weddings in their lifetime. Shoot, I've been to 25 or so. And it is gotten to the point that the cultural diversity is starting to fade for me. Somehow I've ended up at two Sikh weddings and still haven't figured out that since I'll be sitting for two hours, better pick a spot against a wall. (If you don't know what I am talking about, sit cross-legged on your floor for 10 minutes; you won't make it unless you are into meditation.)

The free booze and food is not worth the monotony. Well, maybe one more time for me. Next May 25. After then, that's it.

The Manifesto

2007-09-08T14:15:00.000-04:00

Bin Laden has released a manifesto. In it, he criticizes the current Democratic-majority Congress for being ineffectual and expresses strong anti-tax views. Where have I heard that before?

Republican Debate Blogging

2007-09-05T21:01:00.000-04:00

Before I start, A expressed some concern that she came off as a closet redneck in my last post. Far be it for me to imply that a rodeo-loving, country-singing Texan is any such thing, let me assure you she is quite the sophisticate. In fact, she still hasn't returned last month's Atlantic. So there, I hope that clears things up.

To the debate...

McCain's jowl tilts to the left. I wonder whether the voters are noticing.
Romney and Giuliani have the same tan. Is orange some sort of visual vote trigger?
Huckabee speaks honestly, saying that some of the anti-immigrant rhetoric is racist. His jowls seem more centered than the others. Seriously.
If Ford could design a car that could literally be powered by the blood of immigrants -- undocumented or not -- Tom Tancredo would be for it. In fact, he probably thinks it would be silly not to support something like that.
Fox has a new twist where they interrupt people eating dinner at some dinner and ask them policy questions. This meathead cop talks about how he -- a police officer from Haverill Massachusetts -- is "overwhelmed by illegal immigrants." Haverill, MA? He really stuck it to all those fucking Canadians polluting the town with their politeness.
Romney says that the key to stopping illegal immigration is to get rid of the magnets, in particular cracking down on employers who hire them. I don't disagree with that completely. But, since the employers need these immigrants, it does not stand that you block the immigration -- temporary or not -- of these workers.
Duncan Hunter claims that Democrats make any member of their caucus committee chairman upon conviction. If that is true, the more ambitious ones are in a hotel room right now with a bunch of hookers and blow. Make them male hookers, and Congressman X could be a Deomcratic presidential candidate one day. Obama is doomed.
Huckabee just expressed concern for a child "whether it is in the womb, a coal mine." Here, here. We need to focus more on the issue of child mining safety.
Ron Paul: 9/11 was the federal government's fault.
Brownback: Same sex marriage leads to more children born out of wedlock. More marriages, fewer children born in wedlock? I don't follow the math.
Paul: The people who said there will be a bloodbath if we pull out are the same people who said it will be a cakewalk in the first place. He's been properly absorbing Obama's message. Someone on the stage is audibly laughing at him.
Huckabee: We have to stay in Iraq because it honors the troops who have died there. Wouldn't we have honored them better if we hadn't needlessly sent them to their deaths?
Tancredo: Radical Islam wants to destroy America. Where is Radical Islam located? Near Oman? The Solomons? Seriously, I want to know so I don't end up there.
Tommy is trying to bond with Mickey. It's like he's searching for family somewhere. He seems lost. What? I am watching Rescue Me. I've had enough of the other shit.

Flea Bitten

2007-09-04T20:39:00.000-04:00

A and I went whitewater rafting this weekend. Low water levels on the Shenandoah made it a fun but mostly unremarkable event except for "Allie," about whom I'll say more later.

We got there early, so we decided to hit a flea market we saw going in. Flea markets are junk swaps that take your traditional expert junkemn, e.g., Fred Sanford, out of the mix and permit a bunk of amateur junkologists the opportunity to practice the art. They believe one man's junk is another man's treasure. Sometimes, maybe, but mostly it is just junk.

One guy seduced with the pitch, "Everything is super cheap." It was verbal musk for the frugal. We approached. "All jewelry is 50 cents. Except for those rings." Given the "high quality" of the rings they must have been at least a dollar each.

He was clearly selling some woman's prized possessions. Next to his stand was a boy who looked about six. He stared blankly at the ground, pounding it with a plastic mallet. Over and over again. "Real cheap," the man said again, "50 cents, no more." This had "my wife was fucking my best friend" written all over it.

We walked off and surveyed more stand.

"I want to go," I said after about fifteen minutes.

"Why? This is Americana."

"I want to leave Americana."

"No, there is so much here. So many cool things we could use to decorate the place. Like this." She was admiring a giant pez dispenser shaped like Homer Simpson's head. This admiration for kitsch was both shocking and troubling. "What is it, do you think people are looking at us weird?"

"No, I don't give a shit about that. I am talking about things like THAT."

I was pointing to a stand a few feet up. It was manned by a guy with a dyed mullet, tied back delicately in a pony tail. The hair was either brown and dyed black. Or black and dyed brown. Either way, it was a shitty dye job. Dye guy was also gun guy. He was in the process of laying out a remarkably diverse assortment of assault rifles for sale.

"Wow," A said.

"Now do you want to leave?"

Apparently not. She'd wandered into an indoor stall. Outside the entrance was an assortment of confederate flags. I assume she hadn't seen them, because otherwise I apparently had a front row seat to her losing her mind. The fact that the stall contained bongs and weird license plates only added to the mystery of why she went in.

Dye guy got out from behind the stand, and I saw he had on a hip holster containing a large calibre revolver. Nothing says "I have a small penis" more than a guy who has an obsession with guns. I am pretty sure if you measured the average penis size of guys at a gun show, it would be 1-2 inches shorter than the normal average.

A had emerged from the stand. "Do you see the gun on his hip?" I asked her. For some reason she missed it every time. I think she believed that maybe, deep down, I was making it up. Because the notion of a guy selling assault rifles being strapped is such a stretch.

We eventually left and made our way to the whitewater rafting adventure, where A and I were teamed with Jim, Allie and Eleanor, a father and his two kids. Allie was a fat, obnoxious nerd who deserved to be beat down every day of his life. I am not some sort of judgmental asshole who thinks these things all the time. That is just what Allie brought me to after spending four hours in a boat with him.

Allie's crimes included:

not rowing notwithstanding the fact thate he was the heaviest person on the boat
complaining about the rapids despite the fact that he refused to row
insulting and embarrasing his father incessantly (e.g., "my dad says there are no fish in this river. Just hillbilly spit. What? I can't help that you are a bigot.") The best moment of the trip came when his father said, "Listen lardass, be quiet or I'll throw you overboard. The only thing stopping me from doing that is that we'll have to fish your fat ass out of the river." It was completely appropriate.

Allie made re-think my stated desire to have nerdy kids. I have frequently said to A that I want my kids to be studious and not "cool." Especially my daughter, because that'll impede her from screwing. But, for every cool nerd, there are probably three nerds like Allie.

Going To Hell

2007-08-21T22:58:00.000-04:00

If I was God:

1. People who take the elevator to go one floor.

2. People who walk slow in no discernible pattern.

Back...

2007-08-13T21:25:00.000-04:00

First things first. 169. That is where I ended up at the end of fit club. I was 171 this AM. Ugh. Back to working out...

I have been swamped. But after one of many hiatus(i?), I am back for a bit. Over the next few months I will chart major developments personal and political.

This weekend, I am off to meet the probably/likely in-laws-to-be this weekend. A keeps asking me if I am nervous. Because, as she keeps reminding me, she is. Since the most common thing she says to me is, "you're ridiculous," she might very well have reason to be.

While all that is happening, I am putting my house on the market. My realtor came by to check out the condition of the house. She commented that the house looked great and barely lived in. Not a shock since I have been a bachelor for much of the past seven years. The result of that: I spend more on leisure activities and far less on furnishing. I have a level on my house that is unfurnished. Seriously.

So, my realtor wants to put some "staging furniture" in my house. To make it more homey. I was concerned it would involve domesticated nonsense and some such. I wanted whatever staging furniture to say me: beanbags, a pool table, stripper pole (for effect only, of course), etc. But, I didn't want to pay squat to create a fiction to have someone want to buy my place. When she said she had staging furniture that she'd let me use for free, I concluded that whatever she had in mind was perfect. It already is.

????

2007-07-24T22:09:00.001-04:00

Incredible.

Fit Club Week 5 Results

2007-07-18T21:31:00.000-04:00

Ok, I know I need to blog about something other than my fitness plan. A says I am more obsessed with my body than a girl. That really rattled my delicate sensibilities. I am a little emotional these days. Sniff.

Starting weight: 174

Current weight: 167.5

A pound and a half this week. I didn't exercise than much. The main reason? My calorie intake has dropped significantly in one material respect: I've cut booze out of my diet. After five days of boozing in Montreal, A and I decided to take a month drying out. Outside of two days, I've been dry the last week and a half. I am not a heavy drinker, but I do happy hour about twice a week with the fellas, and have a few on the weekend. That is out until August.

Well, except for Friday and Saturday, when we're celebrating A's birthday. But, I've probably cut out about six drinks a week. Figure 100-150 calories a drink, and we're talking about 600-900 calories a week. When you are aiming for a net deficit of 3500 calories a week to lose one pound, it helps. A bunch.

Three weeks left to hit the target of 164.

Fit Club Week 4 Results

2007-07-10T21:07:00.000-04:00

Starting weight: 174

Week 2 weight: 171

Week 3 Target: 169

Week 3 weight: 170

Week 4 target: 169

Week 4 weight: 169 Hit the target. A and I did a lot of walking on our trip to Montreal. We must have walked two to three miles a day, not including the long hike up and around Mont Royal on Thursday. Part of me wonders whether the "stomach problems" -- as I coquettishly like to refer to them -- I experienced after a rich fondue dinner Saturday night.

Enough weight loss, in the coming days I'll post about the trip A and I took, which featured: a tumorous liver, a woman who tried valiently, but unsuccessfully, to stomp my feet, the Madhatter, shawarma, shawarma, shawarma, and les boissons fantastique!

Fit Club Week 3 Results

2007-07-02T21:48:00.000-04:00

Starting Weight: 174

Week 2 Weight: 171

Week 3 Target: 169

Week 3 weight: 170. Just a pound short. Was at the arget wiehgt on Saturday, ut went buck wild with some spicy squid at the local Korean restaurant Sunday. Damn. It was worth it though

Week 4 target: 169. Gota hit the target some time. Also, vacation week. Can't expect too much.

Fit Club Week 2 Results

2007-06-25T20:14:00.001-04:00

Starting Weight: 174

Week 1 Weight: 173

Target: two pounds (171)

Week 2 weight: 171

I hit the target. A combo of some intense early week workouts and trying to run a 500 calorie deficit each day seems to have paid off. With my summer vacation coming up (and the very real chance I'll backslide that week), I am going to have to be agressive going into it.

So, this week's target: two pounds (169).

Fit Club Week 1 Results

2007-06-18T21:04:00.000-04:00

Starting Weight: 174

The goal this week: 2 pounds

Weight this week: 173. A disappointing result. As of mid-week, I was down to 171 pounds and was feeling confident. Arrogant. I kept up the work out regime, but starting eating more. That was a mistake.

There is a lot of research out now that indicates that the vast majority of weight loss, when you engage in a workout and diet regime, comes from what you eat. At my age and weight, my Basal Metabolic Rate is 1775 calories. In other words, if I just lay on the ground all day long doing nothing, my body would burn 1775 just keeping the body alive and functioning. On top of that, we engage in physical activity -- including the act of eating itself -- which burns calories. Let's assume I burn 500 calories through normal activity (walking to the metro, climbing stairs, etc.). If I consumed 2275 calories of food and drink, I'd maintain my weight.

To lose a pound a week, you need to burn 3500 more calories than you take in. That is 500 extra calories burned a day. If you run for 30 minutes each day, you may lose 300 calories. But, if you just sat there, you'd lose 100 calories. So the net gain from the 30 minute jog is only 200 calories. Good, but not determinative. Weight lifting burns much less than cardio, and the metabolism gains from increased muscle is negligible. And, some studies show that your metabolism boost from working out only lasts for up to 40 minutes after a workout. Then you go back to your normal level. Unless you are doing extreme workouts, you won't be losing enough in a workout to lead to significant weight loss (i.e., 1-2 pounds a week).

Thus, the best thing to do is to cut your caloric intake. It is much easier to cut 500 calories a day out of your diet while being healthy. Combine that with a regular workout regime and voila -- weight loss. But, working out and eating the same will get you nowhere.

Which is what I did towards the end of last week. My caloric intake, notwithstanding the workout, was probably in the 2500 and above territory. Not good if you want to shed 1-2 pounds.

But, the good news is that I am still leaner. I am up a notch on the belt. Also, the reason to exercise is to be fit mor than to lose weight. And I am feeling fitter.

Goal for this week: It was going to be 1 pound. Due to the set back this week, the goal this week is 2 pounds (171 pounds).

Fit Club

2007-06-17T21:56:00.000-04:00

I like Celebrity Fit Club. It is the one reality show with some redeeming value. Hopefully, it inspires people to get in shape.

I am not in terrible shape, but I used to be much fitter. So, starting last Monday, I started my own two month fit club. Of one: me.

Vital stats at the weigh in:

-- Height: 5' 9.5" inches (rounded up appropriately to 5' 10" when asked)

-- Weight: 174 pounds

So, what are my goals, both short and long term?

Goal for my Monday morning weigh in: two pounds.

Target weight: 164, with some more muscle definition.

Target fall project: to run, the whole way, a 10K (6.6 miles). Right now, I could probably do 4 miles with some struggle.

The results of the first week tomorrow.

The Greatest

2007-06-16T15:43:00.000-04:00

Can't embed this one, but it is incredible: Freddy's Dead

Check these cats getting down to Superfly on a 1971 episode of Soul Train:

Things I Don't Like, Part 3

2007-06-11T19:22:00.000-04:00

11. I don't like that the people at my local Cosi know me. I prefer to be an anonymous consumer.

12. I don't like the fact that the same people prefer to talk about Cosi-related gossip, thus delay me getting my beverage for probably two unnecessary minutes every morning.

13. I don't like the level of poverty in this country.

14. I don't like that many people are unwilling to admit that the poor bear some, albeit signifcantly smaller, responsibility for that fact.

15. I don't like the smell of magic markers.

16. I don't like the finale of the Sopranos. It was too meta and self-indulgent.

Blogging The Republican Debate

2007-06-05T19:09:00.000-04:00

7:03 -- Tommy Thompson makes a joke about he's the Thompson who is the politician, not the actor. Tommy's got jokes. For a moment, he went from being a joke to making a joke.

7:04 -- Now Huckabee is doing shtick. He says he's from Hope. Like Clinton. "Give us another chance." Ha, ha, heh. I don't get it.

7:06 -- Romney seems to be hinting that if we knew there were no WMDs, then maybe we should not have fought the war. That could be huge.

7:07 -- Guiliani says we shold have attacked nonetheless. Gooniani.

7:08 -- McCain didn't read the NIE? Et tu, McCain? Et tu?

7:13 -- Thompson is unlistenableto.

7:14 -- Hunter claims he read the NIE. I can't imagine him reading US Weekly much less the NIE.

7:15 -- Paul says get out now. "It was a mistake to go, it was a mistake to stay." Gets applause.

7:16 -- Huckabee says Al Queda is a mean, mean dog. Seriously. Give him a break he was a more typical Governor from Arkansas.

7:17 -- Brownback says it was right to talk to Iran recently on Iraq security. After reading Obama's piece in Foreign Affairs that has just come out, he'd agree.

7:19 -- Hunter would nuke Iran if Iran was about to get a nuclear weapon and was unwilling to give them up.

7:20 -- Rudy says conventional weapons enough to deter Iran. Attacks the Democrats pointlessly. He seems small. Literally and figuratively.

7:22 -- Romney gives off some moderate vibes. He says we cannot be arrogant, but we must show resolve. He's definitely tacking more to the center.

7:23 -- Tancredo believes if the immigration compromise passes, it will be "disasterous."He believes immigrants will destroy the republic. I am glad he is pushing this clear message of hope.

7:26 -- Romney has a more focused attack on the immigration reform bill. He has a problem with illegal immigrants getting put into the system and a chance to stay.

7:29 -- MCain filibusters on immigration. He was way too abstract.

7:30 -- Romney apparently hired Dodd's make-up artist. He's a tangerine.

7:32 -- Brownback basically just said toss all the undocumented immigrants out. Subtlely.

7:34 -- Tommy boldly and creatively suggests that we must secure the border.

7:35 -- Oh yeah, Paul is still around. He says illegal immigrants are being made scapegoats for larger economic issues.

7:37 -- Romney just got caught rolling his eyes on camera.

7:39 -- I am getting bored by the conservative chest-thumping. I am going to work out and come back in about 40 mins or so.

8:40 -- Back after doing some weights and a two mile run. Main thing that stood out -- Why are these men lurching out of their seats and at the questioners in the audience? One woman looked troubled when Rudy came at her. Otherwise, this has been an incredibly mundane debate.

8:43 -- McCain just made a compelling, compassionate speech in support of immigrants. Seriously, it was impressive.

8:45 -- Giuliani's positions seem to be based on cheapshotting Democrats. He isn't the nominee yet, so his attack only approach seems vacuous.

8:46 -- Brownback: Bush's biggest mistake was not to cure cancer? Or arrest the Hamburglar, I'd say. He and OBL are still at large. Robble, robble.

8:48 -- Paul is nicely establishing himself as the Repubs principal isolationist.

8:48 -- Gilmore said "Hillary" wants to eliminate Bush's tax cuts. What is he talking about? Has she said that. Who is he talking about? Hillary Duff? Who cares what she has to say.

8:50 -- This pastry chef just asked what it means to be an American? Less meringue, more apple pie. That is kind of what Tancredo is saying. Ok no, he's not. I'm just proud of the pun I came up with like "that."

8:52 -- Rudy has just lept out of his seat again. Someone protect the chef whose sole mistake was to ask a question.

8:53 -- McCain just basically called Tancredo crazy. He wins the "Duh"/"Yes award for the evening.

8:54 -- This weird-looking grandma type is identified as a state legislator and she asks a question. Isn't there like 800 people in the NH legislature? And 700 residents? Seriously, can I just go up their and declare myself a state representative?

8:56 -- Hunter just called out McCain, Romney and Rudy for being too liberal. Says they are part of the Kennedy wing of the Republican party. Their responses don't even matter. That was the slam/line of the night.

8:58 -- Why do they keep talking about socialized medicine? Who aside from Kucinich on the Democratic side is pushing that? The Obama and Edwards plans rely on the continued used of private insurance companies. That is an awfully huge straw man.

Blogging The Democratic Debate

2007-06-03T19:18:00.000-04:00

7:04 -- Kucinich may be a long shot to win, but he sure is making all Elf-Americans proud.

7:06 -- Edwards: Is America ready for an pretty president?

7:07 -- Clinton pulls a page out of Bush's playbook and invokes 9/11 in answering a question about domestic security.

7:09 -- The stooge from the local TV station asks Biden why he disagrees with Clinton and Obama's "vote against funding the troops." A loaded question. They didn't vote to defund the troops. They voted to defund the war. It has nothing to do with "hurting the troops."

7:12 -- Where is Gravel? We need to spice things up.

7:14-7:16 -- An Edwards-Obama-Clinton smackdown. Edwards insinuates Obama and Clinton voted at the last minute after checking the political wins. Obama calls Edwards out for being a Johnny-come-lately on the war; he says he was right about it all along. Clinton says its easy for those on the outside attacking those trying to legislate.

7:22 -- Biden calls all the far left canidates out about the silliness of their view the current Congress can end the war with Bush in the White House.

7:26 -- Obama is doing much better this time. Calls out Clinton for not ready the NIE before the war vote, noting Bob Graham did and that is why he was against the war.

7:27 -- Gravel says those who voted for the war are guilty of a moral failure. "More Americans died in Iraq than on 9/11 because of their poor moral judgment." More Gravel.

7:32 -- Biden is "speaking truth to power" on immigration. He's got this salty, practical shtick going today, and I like it.

7:35 -- Obama eloquently tells Wolf Blitzer that his question about whether English should be our "official" language is bullshit. The crowd applauds.

7:40 -- Obama and Edwards have a very impressive exchange about their health care plans. Dems have some good candidates.

7:43 -- Richardson is waxing incoherent about his health care plan. Somehow, a fat, jowly guy talking about his healthcare plan is not terribly compelling.

7:44 -- Blitzer is clearly ignoring Gravel. Which is great because when he is called on, he'll go volcanic.

7:50 -- Biden is doing his best Howard Beale impersonation. I dig it.

7:51 -- Richardson: "A president has to show leadership." Profound. Why is he talking but Gravel is getting no air time?

7:53 -- Clinton has a maniacal laugh. She's laughing at the bit Gravel is doing about Clinton.

7:57 -- A question about how Bill Clinton would be used in a ______ administration. They all agree he should be the ambassador for cumbaya.

8:07 -- The analysis from the CNN crew is predictably facile. During the Super Bowl, Animal Planet has something they call the "Puppy Bowl," where a bunch of puppies play. They should do a "Puppy Debate," where puppies give THEIR views on how to stop global climate change. I am in the "yip" camp on that issue.

8:10 -- Who is this dingbat from the local station funneling audience questions?

8:14 -- Just popped open a beer. Drinking game time. A drink every time someone mentions the need to support the troops. I only have a six pack, so I may run out of booze before this debate is over.

8:16 --Thanks Barack. Two "support the troops" statements in one answer.

8:18 -- Richardson is answering a question about whether veterans should have to go to VA hospital. He keeps telling the questioner what he would do for "her husband." It is her son who is serving in Iraq.

8:22 -- Hilary went the tart route tonight when it came to her makeup. And, I like it. Seriously, she's kind of turning me on during this response about what she would do vis-a-vis Iran.

8:29 -- Kucinich: I don't believe in assasination politics. So, he's fine with Osama Bin getting off scott free? Keebler Elves are more pacifist than Quakers, I tell you.

8:32 -- A question about Darfur. Excellent question. Biden says Sudanese government have forfeited their sovereignty by virtue of what they did. He is ready to push military force.People are asked if they agree? All hell breaks loose. People are talking over each other

8:35 -- Richardson: We need a foreign policy that cares about Africans. Finally, an applause moment for Jowly.

8:36 -- I give Dodd the nickname "Chins." He's wearing about 43 pounds of makeup. He looks like a geisha. If there are orange-faced geishas.

8:47 -- A question from a straight guy who owns a hair salon?

8:49 -- Wolf Blitzer trots out the "Deomcrats want to raise you taxes" canard in a follow up question. Democrats do not want to raise everyone's taxes. They only want to let tax cuts for people making over $200,000 to expire. That would mean a return to a 39% marginal rate (from 35%) for people in the top 3% of earners. It is a targeted, specific rollback. Why not correctly identify what these Dems are proposing. Oh yeah, that is right, Wolf cares more about getting a Democratic reponse to a Republican talking point. Because that is sooooo important.

8:53 -- Clinton does a good job addressing the point immediately above.

8:54 -- Gravel has gone nuts. He is talking about the Hamburglar raiding the Socail Secutity budget. Right? Or is he saying the Hamburglar is stealing burgers? What is he yelling about?

8:57 -- The problem I have with Edwards is that, sometimes, she is really vague.

8:57 -- Richardson is telling a teacher who asked a question he'd make sure she got paid more. Richardson may not be a top tier candidate here. But, he'd be a top tier candidate for panderer-in-chief.

Things I Don't Like, Part 2

2007-06-03T14:04:00.000-04:00

6. I don't like people who walk slow.

7. I don't like the smell of bacon.

8. I don't like being in an elevator with someone who has some bacon-based food in a bag.

9. I don't like a lot of make-up on a woman.

10. I don't like the fact that I caught watched 10 minutes of Footballer's Wives and didn't change the channel. And I wantched 10 minutes more; I didn't like that either.

Things I Don't Like, Part 1

2007-05-28T21:38:00.000-04:00

I am starting a new series: 100 things I don't like. They will come sequentially, but in no particular order.

1. I don't like it when people use the word "hate" too loosely.

2. I don't like that VH1's idea of the proper Memorial Day movie is "The Last Days of Left Eye."

3. I don't like visible tattoos.

4. Some days, I don't like you.

5. I don't like Ms. Mexico.

The Democratic Primary In A Nutshell

2007-05-27T19:46:00.000-04:00

While Edwards is too busy getting $400 haircuts and being uncomfortable around gays, this sums the fight between the other two nicely.

Hollywood For Ugly People

2007-05-21T20:30:00.000-04:00

That is what they call D.C. And tonight, I spotted a celebrity on the metro home tonight: disgraced former Gonzales chief of staff Kyle Sampson. Some observations:

1. He is short. I had about four inches on him, putting him at 5'6" or so.

2. He appears to have chronic back problems. We had to wait twenty or so minutes for the train tonight. He kept stretching and squatting.

3. He was really struggling with today's Post crossword puzzle.

4. We had beef with each other. He entered in the middle of the car, me at the end. He was standing to my left. I busied myself reading the recent New Yorker piece on L.A. mayor Villarogosa. I looked up at one point to see if he was still on the trian. I didn't see him. As my eyes scanned to the right, I saw him sitting and facing me. He was glaring at me. I glared back at him, adding a dollop of disgust. He went back to his crossword puzzle and quickly scurried off the train when he got to Pentagon City.

The Bachelor

2007-05-14T22:44:00.000-04:00

Re the women he is choosing from: "I'm like ' eh-heh." At the end of this race, he finishes with "his kids." "It's going to be so hard, man." Having an extra glass in my possession, I smash it and eat it. Why did I bother to watch this for even five minutes? It made my insides hurt.

In Honor of Ray Hudson

2007-05-09T21:43:00.000-04:00

I am a huge soccer fan. I watch at least 2 big matches every weekend. Recently, I started to get more into La Liga, the top Spanish league. It broadcasts on GOL TV. It was watching La Liga games that I came to learn of and develop an appreciation for their main La Liga announcer, Ray Hudson.

Last weekend, I was watching Real Madrid take on Sevilla in a tight battle for at the top of the standings. It was an unbelievable match. Tied at 1-1, Real's diminuitive Brazilian striker Robhino runs onto a perfect pas and finishes beautifully to take the lead. He celebrates wildly taking off his shirt. He got a yellow card for excessive celebration. It was his second, which meant a red. He was sent off.

Hudson says, "Oh, he was just too ecstatic. He was just having an orgasm." What?

But that is a typical Hudsonism. There are a bunch of similar Hudson quotes found on his Wikipedia page. Here are my favorites:

"This team was as dangerous as my grandmother knitting a quilt."

"Congratulations, Seamus Malin -- you ugly man. Oh, come on, you didn't think he got (in the Soccer Hallof Fame) on his looks, did you?"

"It'll be real interesting when me and dog arewatching the game tonight, and we're looking, and I'll kick him a couple of times. The dog is going to get acouple of kicks because of the chances that I believewe missed."

"He needs to be on his tippy-toes, like a midget at a urinal."

"Cannavaro is running around like a three-legged giraffe out there, but it's effective."

"Just like a Turkish bellydancer on a surfboard, Ronaldinho skipping through the tulips"

"You've gotta come up with a better coat than this when you're out with a lady like that. What is this? Aparka at Ice Station Zebra?" -- December 2006, pickingon a fan in the crowd spotted with a beautiful blonde during Barcelona's match vs. Atletico Madrid

"Kovalenko for me was outstanding also in his football, not just his gritty performance. He's a footballer; he's got great feet. He's a good link man, a great outlet, he challenges ... he would stab hisgrandmother in the eye for another bowl of porridge."

"Both sides letting fish off the hook the size of sperm whales! A sperm whale isn't a fish, is it? It'sa mammal. But you know what I mean."

"Ronaldinho there, trickier than a squirrel running ona telephone wire."

"Barcelona have been constipated in front of goal. It's like a 3 pound chicken trying to lay a 4 pound egg."

More, Ray, more...

Kitt

2007-05-06T12:20:00.000-04:00

I have wanted a pet for some time. I travel so much, it is hard to take care of one. Then it dawned on me there is one type of pet that may actually fit my lifestyle. A and I hit the pet store yesterday to get one.

Kitt is one mean son of a bitch. He is a carnivore. And a cannibal. You put him in the same space as another male, he'll tear him up. Or the other male will tear him up. I know this because we almost got two, until the pet store geek warned us off it. Frankly, there was a dark side of me that mildly entertained the notion of Kitt and some other dude hashing it out. Mano-amano.

Or maybe I should say fisho-a-fisho. Kitt is a betta. Otherwise known as a Siamese fighting fish. Siam, as many of us know, is now known as Thailand. So, we sought a Thai name for him. We agreed on Kitt. Well, agree might not be the right word. A did careful research, and explained several names to me. I was watching something at the time and when she asked me whether I was listening to her, I said,"Sure, sure. Let's go with that one." Twenty minutes later, when she she referred to "Kitt," I figured out what "that one" was.

Kitt strikes me as being a bit bourgeois. Maybe it is the fact that he swims around in spring water. Yes spring water. Apparently, Kitt can't live in regular tap water because it is chlorinated. I bathe myself in normal water. I think he realizes the difference and looks down on me because of it.

He is also a bit lazy. He sleeps a lot. Or at least that is what I think he's doing when he's just floating there. I would like to get him some friends, but he'd kill and eat them all. Something I find both cool and tragic at the same time.

And, he just might be insane. I just caught him attacking the glass wall of the bowl. It may be that he sees his own reflection, thinks it is another fish and is attacking him. I am not so sure though. According to the DSM-IV, he is exhibiting signs disruptive behavior disorder. I am going to keep my eyes open for additional symptoms

Notes on Republican Debate in California

2007-05-03T21:43:00.000-04:00

The Republican debate was held at the Reagan Presidential library. From what I can tell, there are no books. Just blow-dried hair, too much make-up and a replica of the 1980s era Air Force One.

On a completely different note, Time magazine just came out with their list of the 100 most influential people. Borat is on the list. None of these guys are. Some context.

8:03 -- Giuliani gets the first question on Republican unpopularity. He points to Reagan as being Mr. Optimism. Frankly, didn't Reagan seem good because Carter was so inept. Like how we feel more attractive standing next to ugly people?

8:05 -- McCain is making me think Iran is about to attack any moment now. Like Phil might. You know who you are, and let's leave it at that.

8:08 -- Gilmore says we want a president who is commands from a position of strength. For the man who helped lower my car tax, I thought he was going to say that he wants a president who puts more money in my pocket to allow me to detail my car. Because if people want that, he is your guy. My car looks good.

8:11 -- Brownback indirectly says Shinseki was right that hundreds of thousands of troops were needed to secure Iraq after the initial invasion. An answer that is a nominee for tonight's unintentional moment of honesty award.

8:14 -- Ron Paul is the less angry Gravel of this debate. I think he wants to bust the railroad oligarchy or something. He is the James Garfield of the Repulican slate. Let's hope he lasts longer in office if he wins.

8:17 -- Tancredo is incomprehensible. Doesn't The Office start soon? He bores me, even after 36 seconds. I think the problem is that he is sounding insufficiently crazy.

8:20 -- Romney wants to kill Bin Laden with his bare hands. I want to do the same to Casper. Casper, you know why. I don't know why these candidates make me wan to settle personal scores. But, it is on.

8:22 -- Almost every Republican candidate doesn't want anyone foreign born to be president. Delightfully honest xenophobia. Not so delightful for Schwartzenegger who is in the audience.

8:24 -- To Giuliani, dealing with blacks only involves dealing with crime and welfare. I have some black friends who might want to not rob him to prove him wrong. And then, they might later rob him to get some extra spending cash, not because they need to.

8:29 -- Abortion, Abortion, Abortion. This is where I come closest to these guys. I am pro life, pro choice. A libertarian view. If a woman feels like she can kill her fetus in good conscience, it is her call. Tancredo is talking about a 40,000,000 person holocaust. Not productive.

8:40 -- Interesting discussion on whether one's faith should influence one's decsion-making. Of course it does/should. Unless you are an astronomist or whatever those guys who look through telescopes and make shit up are called. Those folks are delusional and need help.

8:42 -- Duncan Hunter just said he built an immigration fence all by himself. Would have been less labor-intensive and cheaper if he used illegal immigrants to do the job. I'm just saying.

8:46 -- Thompson makes the 26th reference to Reagan. I only mention this because I am playing the "mention Ronald Reagan" drinking game. I am drunk. No, seriously, I am really wasted. Stop saying Reagan, dudes.

8:51 -- I think I hear Giuliani sighing loudly. Is he about to punch Ron Paul for no reason? He should because there is one reason it would be ok: this shit is boring.

8:57 -- If I heard Jim Gilmore right, he is all for locking up as many single, black mothers as he can. Did he just manage to weave in Reasan too? Ok, I'll drink. What? He didn't say Reagan? Oops. Heh, heh.

9:10 -- Hunter is afraid of immigrants. Brown is bad. If someone threw the UPS slogan at him -- what can brown do for you -- he'd say the best thing is mow my grass and head the heck home.

9:11 -- Giuliani is asked what the sifference is between Sunnis and Shiites. From best I can tell, Giuliani believes Sunnis are "sunnier" and Shiites are "shiitier." Next question.

9:15 -- Mike Huckabee is asked about cronyism in the Bush administration. All I can think is that while he has lost 100 pounds, he needs to lose 20 more. I'm just saying.

9:18 -- Romney is actually pretty darn good.

9:30 -- Everyone fears Clinton, think they are generally different/better than Bush. Reagan again? I'm out of wine. And I'm out of interest. Just in time for me to pass out.

Gilbert Arenas Presents: How Not To Talk To Your Toddler

2007-05-01T19:50:00.000-04:00

Gilbert Arenas, all star NBA player and all star weirdo, has a blog on nba.com. Periodically, I'll be presenting some of Gilbert's insights and wisdom.

Here is Gilbert describing explaining to his toddler daughter that he has been picked to be on the cover of the video game "NBA Live '08:"

"My daughter picked up the cover and was like,'Da-Da,' and I was like, 'You’re Goddamn right that's Da-Da! I’m on the cuh-vah.'"

"Goddamn" right? That little "bitch" is nailed it, huh, Gilly?

Sloshing White Wine

2007-04-30T20:17:00.003-04:00

On the way back from the New Vrindavan community, A and I decided to spend the night in Morgantown. The original plan was to get some rest at the hotel where we were staying, and then go party with the college-aged knuckleheads in "dowtown Morgantown." We ended up getting buzzed at the hotel bar, called the Rat Pack Lounge. It ended up being the right decision, by a mile.

You know those nature shows where the filmmaker sets up a camera on some plain or mountainside waiting for something to happen. Fifty-five minues of the show will be a lot of less interesting animals and regret. Just as the filmmaker is about to pack up the camera and head home, there it is: the snow leopard.

Our snow leopard turned out to be Trish.

A and I had been having a serious discussion fueled by rum (her), beer (me) and greasy, grossly oversized appetizers. The spinach and artichoke dip came out in a bucket, and you were supposed to eat it with what appeared to be full-sized baguettes. We thought they must have mistaken our order for a room service order placed by an elephant staying in Room 315.

The yawns started coming, fueled in part by the guitarist/singer who insisted in playing James Taylor (boring) and Jimmy Buffett (lame) songs. He was putting the whole house to sleep.

Then, came Trish and her friends. I only remember the name of one of them, Kelly. Kelly was celebrating her 40th birthday, and the crew hit the Rat Pack Lounge with a vengeance. There may have been five or fifteen of them. Outside of Trish and Kelly, the rest of the crew were ciphers. They stormed up to the bar and ordered glasses of white wine.

I don't know what it is about women and white wine. Women drinking white wine weird me out in the same way women who wear hats do. It is like white wine is the safe, lady-like way to get hammered. I always find it amusing when I hear some woman say, "I'll have the Pinot Grigio." Like it matters. White wine tastes like cold wine. ("Do you taste the pear?" "No, I taste the cold"). Red wines tend to be far more complex.

This friend once told me that you can tell if a women is down for hooking up, in general or with you, by the way she holds a glass of wine. If she is touching the stem of the wine glass, its yours.

Trish was cupping the the top part of the glass and guzzling the wine in between "woo-hoos" and requests to the singer/guitarist. Trish was unsteady; the white white sloshed over the edges of the glass. The message she was sending, other than she is getting DRUNK tonight, was unclear.

Eventually Trish and the gals got up to the front and started doing karaoke with the singer/guitarist. When Trish and the gang started to sing "Brown Eye Girl," A and I made sure to get in at least one more drink order. We had to see what was going to happen next.

From what I could tell, Trish was in her early to mid-thirties. She didn't seem to be wearing a wedding ring. She was moderately attractive, definitely the best looking woman in her crew. As she started to do some sort of snakey, convulsive dancing to "Only The Good Die Young," I wondered if she got much attention as a kid. Whether she did a similar dance in front of her father, who dismissed her nonsense with a grunt and a long drag off a Winston.

Right next to A and I was this guy who was watching Trish and the girls. He was by himself, nursing a scotch. Occaisionally he'd look at his phone, but mostly he watched the ladies do their thing.

I turned to A and said, "If his game is tight, he'll probably end up with Trish. If its not, he's still got a good chance with the off-key big girl next to her."

A and I ended up heading up to the room with a glass of wine (Cabarnet; I am not a hypocrite) each for a nightcap. But, we couldn't stop thinking about Trish. As we drank the Cab, we wondered what was going to happen to Trish.

I said,"You know she's going to wake up, hung over and naked in that guy's room tomorrow morning. And she's going to say to herself, Oh no, not again. Not again."

Trippin, Road Style

2007-04-28T23:30:00.000-04:00

I live in Washington, DC. Three hundred miles outside my hometown...that is where the Hare Krishna's decided to build a big home.

The Hare Krishnas are an offshoot of mainline Hinsuism. Many remember them as the evangelical kooks who beat tambourines and asked for some of your time and money. Many were right.

Many of the leaders were Americans. One such American was a man named Keith Ham. Who later became known as Kirtanananda Swami. He created the utopia that is the New Vrindavan community just outside Wheeling, WV. A beautiful place, highlighted by the beautiful Palace of Gold.

Here is what I learned about the Kirtanananda Swami from Wikipedia:

"In 1986, Kirtanananda Swami was removed from ISKCON for failing to submit to the ISKCON Governing Body Commission and for illegal activities. He then established his own organization and took several properties with him, including New Vrindavan. New Vrindavan was excommunicated the following year.

In 1990, the US federal government indicted Kirtanananda Swami on five counts of racketeering, six counts of mail fraud, and conspiracy to murder two of his opponents in the Hare Krishna movement. The government claimed that he illegally amassed a profit of more than $10.5 million over four years. It also charged that he ordered the killings because the victims threatened to reveal that he sexually abused minors.

The swami was convicted on nine of the eleven charges in 1991, but the Court of Appeals threw out the convictions, saying that child molestation evidence had unfairly prejudiced the jury against Kirtanananda Swami who was not charged with those crimes.

In 1996, before Kirtanananda Swami's retrial was completed, he pleaded guilty to one count of racketeering. He was sentenced to 20 years in prison but was released in June 2004."

I came to the New Vrindavan ready to ask tough questions about Keith Ham. "A" convinced me not to. Instead, we walked around a beautiful place, our heads down so we wouldn't be harrassed by the community members. We sat down by a beautiful pond. Took it in. Watched a couple of frisky swans bask in a beautiful day. Thought we'd avoided the community. Until "they" came.

They snuck up behind us. Not a word. I don't know what they would have done to us. If I had not seen them.

"Oh shit, get up," I said to A. They were bigger than I expected. An they were up to no good.

I don't know what you know about peacocks, but they are sons-of-bitches. Mean suckers. And they were coming for us. They are like crack fiends. But instead of crack they want and expect seed. The good kind. And, all we had was cash. And they'd take that instead if they could.

We got up and walked away with pride. Fast, but with pride. And soon made our way to the Wheeling Gaming Center/Island. To bet on dogs. With sophistication.

Notes On SC Democratic Debate

2007-04-26T20:59:00.000-04:00

My notes from watching the SC Democratic debate...

7:01 -- Shot of candidates. Richardson looks constipated. And jowly. Dodd is pretty jowly too. If people chose their presidents by jowl-sized, these two would be the front-runners. I think I counted 8 chins on Dodd.

7:03 -- A Keebler elf employed by a local news station is going to be aiding Brian Williams in the questioning. Elf power!

7:07 -- Obama is giving a rambling non-sequitur response to a question about why he called the war dumb.

7:09 -- Clinton says this election should not be about what happened in the past re Iraq, but what people will do now. She's impressing.

7:14 -- Who is this grumpy old man Gravel? He wants to criminalize everything. Felony to stay in Iraq? He's about to literally explode, and it's awesome.

7:17 -- Obama stumbles through another answer. He's crumbling.

7:20 -- Where is Biden? They aren't calling on him. Screw that, more Gravel!

7:23 -- Richardson is sweating through his make-up. At the end of the debate he will be an sweaty pile of incoherence.

7:25 -- Dodd gets asked a question about him having the most "Washington experience." Hasn't Biden served as long as he has? Where is Biden?

7:26 -- Even Kucinich is being asked questions. Where is Biden.

7:27 -- Finally they ask Biden a question. Can you be lees worthy and gaffe-prone? "Yes." That's it until 8 probably.

7:28 -- Gravel says he's scared of all the candidates. I think he might punch someone. And Kucinich is closest to him. And that makes it ok.

7:33 -- Obama's ears are distracting.

7:44 -- The questions about domestic issues bore me.

7:49 -- I hear Richardson likes to booze it up. I wouldn't mind going on a bender with him. And maybe if I did, this response about health care would make more sense.

7:52 -- Gravel declares that he is not a potted plant. I agree. Get this man more air time.

8:00 -- Richardson is asked to state what he would do on his first day in office in one sentence. He speaks for a full minute.

8:04 -- Gravel claims the military industrial complex controls government, the world. Lockheed and I both disagree.

8:12 -- Obama is imploding. He's asked what he would do militarily, overseas, if America suffers two terrorist attacks simultaneously in two major American cities. Why is he talking about Katrina? Someone has shuffled his talking points.

8:18 -- Oh yeah, Dodd is still here. He's asked about his views on gay marriage. I don't care what he has to say. I wonder instead about why so many women I know think feet are disgusting. Strange.

8:21 Gravel says there has been terrorism since the beginning of time. He implores us not to fight terrorism because it won't work. What the hell is he talking about and why won't they let him talk more?

8:23 -- Clinton has impressed. I don't want to be a fan, but here I am. I want to like Obama, but ever time he speaks, it is fingernails on a chalkboard.

8:28 -- Biden has the line of the night, smacking Kucinich down for all his "happy talk" about the real threats that face America. Later on, I wonder if Biden will regret saying that when he sees Kucinich's wife. I am pretty sure she is a witch.

A Nanny State, Finally

2007-04-24T21:38:00.000-04:00

According to this Washington Post article, the FCC is commencing an effort to regulate violence on TV, especially cable. While some may argue this is just another example of social conservatives using the government to regulate human behavior, I think it is more subtle. It is, frankly, a welcome effort to address the ills identified by the Smith theorem.

Almost 20 years ago, W. Smith posited his simple theorem: Parents just don't understand. While some may argue this was simple a statement of teen angst, I believe it had a deeper message. Smith's parents were clueless and absent. As a result, Smith had to create a persona known as the "Fresh Prince," who was humiliated by having to wear wack gear and who got into legal trouble with underage hookers when his parents went off who knows where leaving him with the family Porsche.

Smith realized that bad parenting was an epidemic, and most parents just don't know how to, well, parent. The obvious solution was for the state to take over as a surrogate. Social conservatives either picked up on Smith's theorem or came to the same conclusion. Regardless of what it was, they are now rectifying the pandemic of bad parenting by making sure people that kids don't see screwing OR killing on TV.

It is a consistent view that is more defensible than prior efforts to censor, which focused merely on sexual content. Of course, as we all know seeing sex can warp a young mind. Seeing straight boning for days can cause actual brain damage. Some days I can't remember what I had for lunch a few hours earlier.

Violence is less pernicious, but problematic nonetheless. Killing when bringing nonexistent democracy to people who don't want it is just; but watching Banner, "the no nonsense cop keeping the mean streets of Philly crime free his way", killing a pimp whose heart wasn't made of gold...no kid should have to know about that sickness.

The problem is that most parents don't know how to raise their kids. Nowadays, you see parents taking their kids to see such filth as the Doodlebops. Thankfully, the FCC is chock full of the know how and expertise to control what kids should and should not be exposed to.

The Safe Word

2007-04-22T22:39:00.000-04:00

Her: Right there.

He stops.

Her: Why did you stop?

You said "There."

Her: No. I meant their.

Oh.

Her: Their!

"There? Right there? Ok."

Her: No. Their! Their!

I Want The Power

2007-04-20T20:24:00.000-04:00

Its the Nappy, Not The Ho

2007-04-18T08:20:00.000-04:00

In commenting on the Imus "nappy-headed hos" controversy, several conservative commentators have argued that what Imus said is no worse than what black hip hop artists say in their songs. They are part right. But, that is because they are focused on the least controversial part of the Imus comment.

It is no surprise that black rappers refer to women as "hos" and "bitches." And "tricks." And, in the case of R. Kelley, women remind him of his "jeep" that he wants to ride and his "bank account" because he wants to spend them. For me, women only remind me of my bank account when I realize how much I've spent on them.

Regardless, my point is that black male rappers did not create misogyny. They just express their misogyny more publicly. For every black male rapper that has called a woman a "bitch" or "ho" in a song, I can find you 10 white dudes who do that all the time privately. And, frankly, I can find you 10 women of all kind of races who say that all the time too.

The truth is that while the sexist part of the phrase was terrible, the "nappy" part was the truly offensive part of it. The word "ho" goes to a controllable form of behavior. If you want to stop being a "ho," you could just stop sleeping around. Or stop being a woman, I suppose (and you can do that for cheap in Brazil, I hear.)

Using the word "nappy" is basically a way of saying that someone is intrisically ugly because of their blackness. That these amazing women were some sort of animals because of their dark skin and the texture of their hair. Animal, subhuman hos. That is some deeply ingrained, loathesome racism.

Conservatives seeking to downplay and marginalize racism -- either because they are racist or are tired of being reminded that racism exists -- are trying to obscure the racial element of the Imus comment. It is a non sequitur. Some white people are not still racist because black male rappers say "nigga" or "bitch" or "ho." They are because they are. I am actually impressed when they either don't notice or ignore the irony that they are trying to blame black people for their racism.

The Christian God Undercount

2007-04-16T20:50:00.000-04:00

According to the book Lost Christianities --- well at least the introduction which is all I got through on the metro home tonight -- there were some early Christians who believed in more than one god. Some thought there were two gods. Some thought there were thirty.

Actually, the estimates of the number of gods among early Christians ran from 1 to as many as 365. Three hundred and sixty five gods is somewhere beyond polytheism. The ancient Greeks look modest by comparison. Who were those Christians that thought there were 365 gods? Unitarians? How did all this confusion happen?

1. Jesus might have been a remarkably ineffective communicator. It was probably not too easy to be confused by Jesus. He spoke in those incomprehensible parables. I could very well see some followers asking things like, "Ok, are you saying that a camel could pass through an eye of a needle or not?" "What was that thing he said about mustard seeds? What are we supposed to do with the mustard seed story again?" There might have been a few who were like, "Did he say that there is one true God, or there are a God for every day?" "Man, I don't know, I am just here for all the free fish and wine." "How could the 365 gods match up with days on the calendar since the Gregorian Calender didn't come into existence until the 16th century AD?" "Where can we get more wine?" Which leads to the more likely explanation...

2. Jesus might have had some remarkably stupid (and probably often drunk) early followers. All cults or movements have their fair share of naifs and idiots. I am sure Christianity shared that truism with other religions. How else could explain how some early Christians believed God created the world while others believed the world was created by a subordinant, clueless lesser god (Pan?)? And yet others believed that the earth was a goof-up an angry God, who intended one thing and ended up with a prison of suffering and pain. In other words, God meant to create Disney World, but we ended up with Busch Gardens. Were people even listening to what Jesus was actually saying? This is what happens when you hang with the guy with good stories and an endless supply of wine.

Although a Christian, I have not believed in organized religion for over twenty years now (to date myself, since I was 12 or so). And, it is for this precise reason -- the principal creation myth is the one behind the various churches. The distilled Christianity we have today is being filtered from wildly divergent views of what Jesus actually said. And, as Ehrman points out in the Lost Christianities, it has led to widely divergent views of Christianity today:

Some Christians live in poverty and work to the poor; some televangelists are millionaires who spend countless hours on tv begging for cash.
Some Christians closely adhere to ancient litury; others view "high liturgy" as evil tripe.

It is why I subscribe to an existential brand of non-denominational Christianity. The simplest core message in the "New Testament" is the love commandment. That is a cosmic truth: do unto others as others do unto you. For everything else, I think you are on your own. And, that is not a bad thing.

Coming back soon...

2007-03-27T00:58:00.000-04:00

Had to resolve some shit. Its being resolved. The focus in the near feature will be the aburd circus (redundant, I know) that is the '08 campaign for the presidency. The student council is up for grabs, need to catch up with the silliness...

Musical Interlude

2007-02-03T18:11:00.000-05:00

I used to travel a lot to Africa when I was younger. One thing I remember is the lack of television choice . We watched a lot of VHS tapes. Of music videos. Yes, they were big in Africa.

International Incident

2007-02-01T22:08:00.000-05:00

Rome, about 2AM local time...

"That's enough! I warned you once!" The man in the seat ahead of me yelled.

He wasn't talking to me. He was yelling at the 60 year old missionary next to me.

He flashed credentials," I am a diplomat! Do you know it is a criminal offense to assault a diplomatic office? Do you?"

"What is he saying," the woman said. She started bawling.

"You know what you did. Enough!"

A crying old woman. I felt I had to intervene.

"What is your problem, dude?" I asked.

"She's been spitting at me the whole flight!"

"What?" I asked. "I haven't seen that."

"She has, and it has to stop." Our diplomatic corps.

"Why would she do that?"

"She knows I am a diplomat, ans hse made racial comments earlier."

"But, " I started, "You're both white."

"Racist comments! Enough!" he yelled.

The flight attendants came by, but barely handled the situation. The offered puzzlement.

"Ok," I said. "Why don't one of you change seats?"

"What did I do?" the old woman said crying.

"It doesn't matter now," I said.

"Brother," another missionary froma a row or two back said. "I'll change seats."

And he did. No more allegations of provactive spitting the rest of the flight. And we were back off to Africa.

Traveling...

2007-01-21T21:26:00.000-05:00

Banality Fair goes to Africa. Tomorrow. In Part. The other half of Banality Fair is going to the Caribbean. Stories to follow...

I'm From Rolling Stone

2007-01-09T23:22:00.000-05:00

A show about a bunch of half-talented knucklehead writers getting internships for RS. The secret to good music writing is this: good music makes you remember something. Anything. All good music writing revolves around this concept. From a non-music writer. But, from a listener.

The Most Versatile Word In The English Language

2007-01-02T21:29:00.000-05:00

Ok, I'll start posting some original material soon, but this might be the single funniest linguistics lesson ever. (Note: not safe for work)

I'd Never Drink The Stuff, But...

2006-12-31T15:26:00.000-05:00

I am a beer snob, but Anheiser Busch puts out the best commercials on TV, hands down. Two of my favorites.

I Swear

2006-12-30T13:58:00.000-05:00

Congressman Virgil Goode made some headlines recently with his bigoted comments about new House Rep. Keith Ellison getting sworn in using the Koran. He muddled on about being afraid of a bunch of Muslim immigrants taking over the country. The insecurity of right wing Christianists is stunning sometimes. They don't believe in their own faith's ability to endure. Of course, it is not just Christians, other religions are also guilty of similar religious insecurity as well. Except maybe Buddhists, who seem comfortable letting their faith exist organically.

I Feel Bad!

2006-12-25T12:45:00.000-05:00

James Brown is dead at 73. His influence on modern music cannot be underestimated. Check out this to see the godfather in glorious action.

The Unreal World

2006-12-20T22:01:00.000-05:00

The Real World: Denver

10:01: "Me and you is Bonnie and motherfucking Clyde!"

10:02: "Women have these kinds of things messed up!"

10:03: "I can smell their menses, it's like bratwurst" (ok, made that up)

10:06: "Seeing her party, she turns into this firecracker animal."

10:07: "Just because you are a big black man, doesn't make you better than me."

10:09: (yelling -- awesome)

10:14: "That's just what happens when people drink."

10:15: "Bottom line, drinking makes certain people volatilely."

10:17: "Welcome to the world of reality."

10:19: "Hell to the naw."

10:27: "When I'm drunk, I become this cocky mess."

10:27: "I've determined I have a problem. I drink entirely too much."

10:28:"I have this boss and she's an alchoholic. And, you remind me of her."

10:28: (cheesy save your life music)

Our youth...

The Coroner Flirts

2006-12-11T21:08:00.000-05:00

So, I was at a party Saturday night, staring at this tall, light-skinned black guy with his hair in a pony tail. I knew him from somewhere. Or "somewheres," it seemed. I couldn't place him. As I pondered it, an older woman (it was an older person's party) asked me to dance. Heck, someone did.

As I was dancing with her, I saw the tall guy make a beeline for my girlfriend. He leaned in close and started to kick it to her. I was was too busy grooving to Earth, Wind and Fire to do anything about it.

Later on, I asked her what was up.

"He's from your favorite show, The Wire."

I stared at him for a second, "Oh yeah." The guy played Dr. Frazier, the coroner on the wire. He only appeared in a few episodes, but I remembered him. He also played drug kingpin Luther Mahoney on Homicide: Life on the Streets.

"So what did he say?" I asked.

"He was kind of hitting on me."

"The guy from The Wire? Awesome."

I went to go get a Diet Coke. When I came back to join her, she was kind of leaning away from a man in his fifties, who was leaning into her.

"Hey," I said joining them.

"Hey, Joseph," she said relieved. "This is [Ambassador from a Caribbean country]."

"Hi," I said. Even though I'd goofed it up for him, he was pleasant.

"So," he said, "What do you do?"

"I work at [Joseph K's job]."

The rest of the conversation was an uncomfortable exchange about money laundering in the Caribbean. Then a pause. Then [Ambassador from a Caribbean country] left to hit on an attractive fortish woman with long curly black hair.

On the way out, "Dr. Frazier" gave Girlfriend K a kiss on the cheek.

"Was he trying for more than the cheek?" I asked.

"Maybe," she said.

"Awesome."

Smoker-In-Chief

2006-12-07T22:45:00.000-05:00

I like Barak Obama a lot. I found out recently that he's a smoker. He claims he only smokes occasionally, that he's trying to quit. But, someone I know hung with him and said he chain-smokes Winstons. He needs to quit or keep it real. Either way, his allure is being himself and inspiring.

MJ

2006-12-03T09:49:00.000-05:00

I was listening to Michael Jackson's Off the Wall the other night. I rank it #18 on my list of all time great albums, just behind Electric Ladyland. No matter what you think of him now, you have to admit this: Micahel Jackson was pretty good when he was black. Want more evidence, listen to The Jacksons "Can You Feel It" and see how he cleans up the mess Jermaine and Tito make of their verses.

P.S. Did you know Jermaine Jackson's daughter is named Jermajesty? You can die now.

MySpace Fever

2006-11-29T21:55:00.000-05:00

The 2008 presidential candidates are busy getting down with the Internets. A disturbing number of them have MySpace pages where you can learn a lot of information that is undoubtably uninteresting to you. For example, did you know that John McCain is only 5'7"? I tower over him (5'10"). And one of his closest MySpace friends is "jedi pimp?" More impressive than John Kerry's friends, the coolest of whom seem to be Gwen Ifill and Franklin Delano Roosevelt.

Just Say No

2006-11-27T23:00:00.000-05:00

Everyone has a chance to be redeemed. Alcee Hastings was given a chance to be something special when he was appointed a federal judge. He wasted that opportunity by being, well, opportunistic. Reckless. Surrounding himself by the wrong people and circumstances. He had a choice, and chose poorle.

He started rebuilding his life, and has done some good things with his second chance. But, that doesn't mean he is entitled to everything. Noam Chomsky is problematic in many ways, but said one thing that resonates with me: the rightness or wrongess of an act is defined by its identifiable consequences, not intention. And, you have to deal with the consequences of a knowing act. He deserves some things, but not every thing. That's just how it is. He can do good some ways, but not every way.

This Little Piggy Hurts

2006-11-22T21:46:00.000-05:00

Through a series of almost inexplicable mishaps, I managed to impale one of my toes with a toothpick. My teeth are clean, but my toe hurts. Sorry, Michael Richard, I didn't mean to interrupt you. What the fuck were you saying?

Fanning The Flames

2006-11-18T23:54:00.000-05:00

The best London Broils I've prepared involve the meat actually catching on fire. I guess that makes them flame broiled. I am not so sure about Nancy Pelosi.

Out Man

2006-11-17T07:48:00.000-05:00

Saw Scooter Libby at the Cosi at 6th and Indiana Ave at 7:30 this morning. He’s shorter and messier than me.

The Math Finally Worked, Milty

2006-11-16T21:58:00.000-05:00

Milton Friedman is dead. At 94. He is 94 and dead. It is the first time he did something that actually added up.

Hiatus

2006-10-28T11:41:00.000-04:00

Banality Fair has been on a bit of a hiatus the last coule of weeks and will continue to be on one for a couple more. Lot of work travel, little access to a computer (I'm old school)...

Asexual Mike

2006-10-15T13:38:00.000-04:00

I just heard from one of my best friends growing up, this kid named Mike. When we were ten years old, we transitioned from thinking that girls were icky to wondering if Rog's foxy new girl from an episode of "What's Happening" would hang with some bad-ass, righteous cats like us.

Mike even went so far as to track the actress down and write her a letter. He enclosed a picture of himself wearing a fedora, boa and a three-dollar moustache and goatee set we bought from a local novelty store. At the time, I thought the "DYN-O-MITE!" T-shirt he was wearing in the picture made him look a bit immature. Mike, a budding Marxist at the time, claimed that comment reflected the fact that I had been brainwashed by capitalism to hate the poor, symbolized most poignantly by our main man J.J. Evans from "Good Times." I just thought he would look more like the eighteen year old he claimed to be in the letter if he wore a suit.

She eventually sent us back a beautiful, autographed head shot, and we both fell madly in love with...well, whatever her name was. Our infatuation turned to lust, and fueled our budding obsession with learning all there was to know about sex. We enlisted the aid of the most knowledgeable kid on the subject, a Lithuanian classmate named Radjan who, for fifty cents, would let the fellas in class sneak a peak at a copy of the December 1977 issue of Playboy. Radjan agreed to let us see it for free because we knew about his "dirty little secret" (he had this weird habit of peeing into jars and keeping the jars in his locker; there might have been some connection between that behavior and the fact that he was constantly sniffing White-Out). We thought we knew what we were in for, but the whole "hair down there" thing mortified and utterly confused us.

Mike was especially taken aback. He went so far as to ask his father, an obvious sign of desperation. His father told him that he would tell Mike about it when he reached eighteen. Still bewildered, yet mollified by what his father told him, Mike refused to discuss sex with the fellas until he had that talk with his father. Unfortunately, his father ran off with a concert violinist when Mike was sixteen, and the conversation never happened. The shock of his father's desertion and the fact that three of our high school buddies contracted chlamydia squelched any desire on Mike's part to learn about the topic.

The summer between our junior and senior college, Mike finally let me tell him about sex. He became so obsessed with what I told him that he took a year off after college to study tantric sexual techniques at a Costa Rican ashram with this narcoleptic yogi whose main claim to fame was that he could lift various heavy items with his privates.

Mike, now a urologist living in Milwaukee, is on his third marriage, his latest wife is a former Nigerian adult film star. My life is really, really boring.

Flashing For Babies

2006-10-10T18:53:00.000-04:00

According to this article, women tend to flash more flesh when they are feeling fertile. So does that mean the belly flashing I have experienced periodically at my office mean that these women want to breed with me? In at least one instance, yuck.

Salty Brother-In-Law...To Be

2006-10-05T22:45:00.000-04:00

I dislike weddings and funerals equally. To me, they are unnecessary ceremonies reflecting natural events. Consecration of love, the passing of life.

My family is in hyper-wedding preparation mode. I am extremely happy for my sister. I would have had no problem if I could just go to her wedding and sit in the back of the church or at a table set discretely in the back of the reception hall. But, apparently, there is some sort of tradition that the brother has to be part of the wedding party. So, in a couple of days, Joseph K becomes groomsman number 5.

I have a lot of good friends who are married. Most of them didn't have groomsmen or didn't ask me to be one. Either way, I was stoked. I don't like being the center of attention at social events. At work, I have no problem playing that role. It feeds the type A in me. When it is all about pleasure, I want to blend in with the crowd. The inner introvert takes over

I like my brother-in-law to be a lot. It is nothing against him. I think he and my sister make a wonderful couple. I just want to applaud the union from a distance. The requirements have made me kind of a grouch these days. I have become a less pathetic version of Pagliacci's clown. Happy on the outside, grumpy on the inside.

Girlfriend K, to her immense credit, has been working on me. She's excited about the wedding. She's got all kinds of appointments to get herself ready for it. She realizes all the romance and joy of it and tries to get me to see that. Today, she asked me the wrong question.

"So, are you going to be this much of a grouch at your wedding?" The initial silence lasted too long for her taste. "Probably not," I finally said. For a second, I was pretty sure I lost her. Then, she did what she tends to do. "We'll just need to work on that."

And, she's right.

Can't Come Soon Enough

2006-09-30T14:59:00.000-04:00

The Ones That Got Away

2006-09-24T22:28:00.000-04:00

I was hanging out with some of the fellas from work Friday night, and as usual when you get a bunch of guys together and throw in 3-4 beers, the topics turn to sports and/or sex.

The conversation turned to the people you could have slept with, but never made the move. This was a conversation about true regret, because all of us are in varying stages of relationships (from having girlfriends to being married with a small child). These were the hook-ups that will probably never be consummated.

I have not slept with tons of people in my life, but I have slept with enough to be able to say this: I remember the ones that got away more than some of the ones who didn't. Maybe that is because there are a few I'd like to forget. I won't forget the cute Israeli girl who wanted to sleep with me while we were at a party in law school (I demurred because I thought she was "too drunk." The only reason I was so stupid in coming up with that is I was probably too drunk to realize what I was doing.)

The lost ones were an exotic group. Bolivian exchange students. Potential menages that ended with the girls laughing and passing out. All vivid and gone.

Never Again

2006-09-17T23:09:00.000-04:00

Sister K and Future Brother-in-Law K concede to doing religious counseling before their upcoming marriage. Eight sessions with this wannabe charismatic deacon at the parents' church.

Sister K: Never again.
Joseph K: What do you mean?
Sister K: I am done. I am never going to church again.
Joseph K: Oh, you too. How bad could the counseling have been.
Sister K: You have no idea.
Joseph K: What do you mean? Was it that bad?
Sister K: Not until the deacon started this 45 minute schpiel about sexual orgasms.
Joseph K: Enough.

Girlfriend K, who'd been listening to all this, rolled her eyes.

Joseph K: What?

Banality Fair Goes To Vegas, Fin

2006-09-14T22:29:00.000-04:00

We arrived at the helicopter tour place, and there were way too many people wearing epaulettes. Two stripes, Three stripes. Four stripes!

The place offered all passengers a free glass of champagne. We partook Banality Fair style. Which means, we went back for seconds. We would have gone back for thirds, but they called us out to the landing area. We were driven out there by a guy with three stripes. Clearly, he was a high ranking van driver who deserved to be taken seriously.

The flight was short, but Vegas by air is stunning. It is truly and beautifully ridiculous. Odd, unnecessary lights and structures made all the more fascinating with a decent buzz. Our pilot provided possibly the most inane commentary, but the good thing was that none was necessary.

Things had turned. We spent the rest of the night gambling. I won back most of the money I lost. A couple of hundred dollars here from a quick blackjack run. A couple more from a longer spell at a roulette table. M. Fresh took my bad gambling mojo like a good sport.

We must have gone to bed around 6AM. I woke up a few hours later. I had a plane to catch around noon, and my body was anxious about catching it. I stared out onto part of the strip.

Thinking, this just might be the last time I do that.

Until the next time.

Banality Fair Goes To Vegas, Part 2.5

2006-09-10T22:34:00.000-04:00

M. Fresh was flipping through one of those thick weekly "to-do" booklets they issue in Vegas.

M. Fresh: A helicopter ride.

Absolutely. Something completely different. We'd been to sin city so many times. We'd gambled. We'd drank. We'd seen pissing elephants. We needed something different.

Joseph K: Brilliant. That is it. That. Is. It.

The bright lights from above. What seemed like the perfect night cap to an evening with Carrot Top (before we knew he was abjectly stiff.

Joseph K: The only way to make this all work is to start off at the right casino. The right place to characterize the rest of the trip.

I looked out the window of the room at the Luxor. And, there it was. The perfect starting off point.

Joseph K: To the Hooters casino.

Banality Fair Goes To Vegas, Part 4

2006-09-06T20:44:00.000-04:00

The key to enjoying a bad show is to be super buzzed. Not drunk, because that would be too much. When Sigfried & Roy take on the Ice Queen when you are super buzzed, you laugh. When they do that when you are drunk, you want to punch Roy in the cod piece and save her. Its a matter of degrees.

M. Fresh spent Carrot Top day drinking mildly and gambling. I'd scraped back by $150 at the blackjack tables at the Wynn. We got back to the hotel with an hour to spare. We invested in two 24 ounce Fosters and got prepped for the evening. We split one, then headed to the bar.

Joseph K: A double vodka tonic
M: Fresh: A regular vodka tonic

The bartender said he recognized us from "before." Could be real. I don't have a familiar face, unless you are familiar with me. I slurped down the last sip. There it was, the sweet buzz. We were ready. Amped.

Carrot Top is easily, and unquestionably the worst stand up comic I've ever seen in person. He is a special kind of badness that should be kept locked up in a safe. I honestly cannot recall one joke or bit. His screechy personality sliced through my brain, and bled the buzz out of me. There was no amount I could have drank that would have cushioned the blow of his ineptitude. His principal error was eschewing the prop comic shtick and trying to do jokes. His jokes were dead smelly fish. He was rotting. Inside. And the funk wafted over and clung to us.

Every two minutes I turned to M. Fresh and said, "Enough?" She had more guts than me. She kept wating for it to get better. It never did. We merely suffered.

Until it came time for the helicopter ride. It was time for something completely different.

Vegas Trip, Musical Interlude

2006-09-05T21:37:00.000-04:00

Banality Fair Goes To Vegas, Prologue

2006-09-03T14:56:00.000-04:00

M. Fresh and I have been to Vegas several times. Our livers can attest to that fact.

In recent years, when we've gone to Vegas, we've made a point of picking a truly terrible show, getting drunk and taking in the absurdity. This idea led to us being pissed on by elephants at the Sigfried & Roy show and taking in a drunk Rick Springfield hit on a 16 year-old girl. In other words, it was brilliant.

So, before the Vegas trip, I was perusing the shows, and it was a revelation. Of course, that was it.

I emailed M. Fresh seconds later.

"Subject: Vegas Show

Two words: Carrot Top."

Her response: "Yes!"

And thus began -- to borrow a phrase from David Foster Wallace -- our path towards a supposedly fun thing we'll never do again. More later.

Banality Fair Goes To Vegas, Part 3

2006-09-02T09:47:00.000-04:00

We got ourselves a couple more Newcastles. Our guests ordered a Corona and a Jack and Coke. They were also slurping down one of those enormous $15 slushy drinks you see people lugging around Vegas every so often.

Joseph K: Joseph (sticking out hand)
M. Fresh: M.
Guy 1: (whatever, I don't remember)
"Guy" 2: Rene.

Rene was overweight. Covered in tattoos. Short hair. Wearing a cap like me. He had boobs. Although he had a masculine physique (sort of, for an overweight person), his boobs were not man boobs. He was clearly not a he. He was a butch she.

Rene spent most of his/her time talking to M. Fresh. Which is understandable, because she's attractive and far more interesting than me. Which mattered to Rene.

But, here is something I didn't know about M. Fresh. She has unbelievable ability to put not only her foot, but her whole leg in her mouth.

It started off right off the bat, when we toasted Rene's 21st birthday.

M. Fresh: Cheers to you finally becoming a man.

I had to bite my bottom lip to not explode into laughter. But, Rene was cool about it. Guy 1 seemed to pick up on M. Fresh's confusion and a couple of times made a point of referencing "her" and "she."

M. Fresh was undeterred. I am pretty sure I heard right after one such reference, "You seem like a cool guy." Rene didn't react, though. I think Guy 1 spit out a randon "she" in a vain attempt to steer M. Fresh right.

Rene and Guy 1 were from Seattle. Rene is apparently an ex con, who went into great detail about her career as an extasy dealer, as well as her current drug use habits.

Rene had no idea what Joseph K does for a living. You have no idea what Joseph K does for a living. Let's just say, if they had any inkling, they would gotten up quickly and hustled away. Instead, I pretended I was a corporate lawyer.

Guy 1: Could I get some legal advice.
Joseph K: Another beer please (speaking to waitress)
Guy 1: You see, I am getting sexually harrassed at work.
Joseph K: (just thinking, oh for Christ's sake)
Guy 1: Yeah, she's this sixty year old cashier, who is always feeling me up in the break room.
Joseph K: Really?
Guy 1: Yeah. I went to my union, but they can't do shit.
Joseph K: Mmm-hmm (drinking beer)
Guy 1: It's fucked up, you know. She's done it to a bunch of guys. And they quit. But, you know, I am not about to give up my $17 an hour. $17 an hour, you know what I am saying?
Joseph K: Yep.
Guy 1: Blah, blah, blah, blah...

I finished off my beer and turned to M. Fresh.

Joseph K: I am still too sober and need to blow some cash.
M. Fresh: Sounds good. (Turning to Rene) -- it was nice meeting you dude.

Next up: The all time worst comedian ever. Ever.

Banality Fair Goes To Vegas, Part 2

2006-08-30T23:07:00.000-04:00

After the fact, I thought that maybe I should have bartered with Breasty. Gotten something for giving her my cap. Instead:

Joseph K: Sure, take it.

She took my blue Washington Nationals cap and saunter to the center of the bar area. She pulled down her white tube top and put my cap over her right breat. It hung there. Then it went up. And down. And up. And down.

My cap got to second base. I have to say, my cap was never the same the rest of the trip. It was cocky. Too cocky.

She handed it back to me, and I debated whether I should wear it again. After all, it had been on some random woman's breast. I put it back on, and got brain freeze.

Jospeh K: Wild.
M. Fresh: Yeah.

Just then, these two people sitting at the table next to us approached us.

Guy 1: Mind if we join you?
"Guy" 2: Is it cool?
M. Fresh: Sure. You guys having a good time?
Guy 1: Yeah.
"Guy" 2: It's my 21st birthday weekend.
M. Fresh: Congratulations. Let us buy you a round.

Banality Fair Goes To Vegas, Part 1

2006-08-27T23:30:00.000-04:00

Just got back from a weekend in Vegas with M. Fresh. We have an uncanny ability to attract the surreal.

So, after a few beers to get us loosened up, M. Fresh and I debated where to go next.

M. Fresh: So, where do you want to go next?
Joseph K: I am kind of up in the air.
M. Fresh: Me too.
Joseph K: Last time I was here, we ended up stumblling into a room filled with hookers at the Alladin. Amusing to watch them in action at a Disney-themed (maybe?) casino.
M. Fresh: The Alladin it is.

So we ended up at the Alladin. We went to the upstairs bar, where my friend A and I came across the afore-mentioned hookers.

We sat at a table. No hookers. No waitress even.

Joseph K: This is lame.
M. Fresh: Yeah, maybe we should go somewhere else.
Joseph K: Let me try and order a drink first.

As I waited for a bartender to notice me, a waitress appeared at the table. Things were looking up.

As we were enjoying our Newcastles, Suddenly, M. Fresh's eyes widened.

Joseph K: Some women is showing her tits behind me, isn't she?
M. Fresh: Yes.
Joseph K: My breast radar rarely fails me.

I turned around, and there was some woo-hoo girl with her tube top down. Sporting two fine examples of man-made breasts.

Joseph K: Pardon me, I have to move my seat.
M. Fresh: That's understandable.

Then, the woman started performing tricks. One breast up. The other one up. Both down. Remarkable control of her breasts, the type of which is usually seen on higher-end strippers. But, not at the Alladin casino bar. Usually, anyways. She was putting on the show for this table of 10 or so guys.

Then she looked at me and walked over. I was dressed in a maroon tee-shirt and jeans. And a baseball cap.

Breasty: Can I borrow your cap?

Finally Grillin' And Almost Dying

2006-08-20T09:58:00.000-04:00

I made a very important step in my life yesterday. I finally bought a grill. A charcoal grill to be precise. It would not have happened but for the research hard work and enthusiasm of this one friend of mine. I rewarded her by having her make me a meal using it.

It actually went fine at first. Assembly was a snap. Then, we had to get the coals going. We were using some sort of device known as a chimney to light them. It is a cylindrical thing in which you put the newspapers and coal you use to get the coals going. Those coals really lit up. This enormous flame shot out and I was convinced they were going to set my house and those of my neighbors on fire.

And, the flames wouldn't go down. Finally, I did something that likely offended the barbeque gods: I poured a little water on the coals to calm it down. The flames went down (but still there -- this fire was indefitgable) and the coals still burned. I didn't realize that "chimney" is a synonym for "flamethrower." I am not sure I am going to use that device again.

The Economic Cost of Pimpin'

2006-08-15T21:33:00.000-04:00

I do agree with the general adage that "pimpin' ain't easy." By "pimpin'" I mean trying to date multiple people at the same time. But, I think it ain't easy for atypical reasons. In my opinion, the economic costs of pimpin' make it more costly than beneficial. There are two costs in particular costs that stand out to me.

1. The actual cost of dating multiple people. If you are dating three people at the same time and are being a gentleman (sucker) then the costs, over time, can be astronomical. Imagine spending at least $60 a night, three times a week. Also, you have to assume you'll spend one extra night with one of them. So make it four nights. That is $240 or almost $1,000 a month. For many people that is anywhere from 25%-50% of your monthly income. If you invested than much a month in mutual funds, you could probably retire on that investment in 30 years. Even going halfsies is $500 a month, which is a steep sum too. I realize this is a gain to restaurant and bar industry and perhaps the economy overall. Stop overthinking this.

2. Productivity losses. The productivity loss can be measured in two ways. First, there is the lost productivity at work from having to respond to emails and phone calls from multiple people. Time that could be spent working is spent planning dinner or hearing about someone else's day. Then, there is the actual time spent with the multiple people. Again we are talking 3-4 nights a week. Books unread, home improvements undone (impacts resale value of home), professional development not done (affects earning power).

On final analysis, pimpin' imposes more personal economic cost than benefit. I know financial planners talk about the value of diversification. But, in this instance, you'll go broke, and you'll end up being a lot less productive. And, then, there is the fact that they all begin to blend together at some point.

Geeks

2006-08-12T09:27:00.000-04:00

I am a fantasy football geek. Actually, I am a geek generally. But, among the many subgroups of geekdom, I am definitely affiliated with that of fantasy football geeks. And, the next season is about to start.

Over the years, league membership has stabilized. It's basically the same 11-12 core group of guys. We are all in our 30s. And we live vicariously through the sporting exploits of men who are bigger, faster and better looking than us.

When you are in that age bracket, a lot of important life events happen between last season and this season. Two of the guys had babies. One got married. One got engaged. One got engaged and then broke it off a few months before the wedding. All of these men are going to spend many, many hours preparing for the live draft in a couple of weeks. They'll love their wives and babies. But, they'll also love to get Kansas City RB Larry Johnson.

Joseph K is the commisioner. Do I get drunk with power on occasion? Absolutely. But, I like to think of myself as a benign dictator with thick skin. And you have to be, because all of these guys in their 30s whine and cackle about everything. And the phone calls to gossip about league goings on (trades, beefs) ... man they can take some time out of the work day.

One year, Commish K was to busy to run the league and a buddy took it over. He started to use democracy and consensus-building to determine scoring and other league issues. It was chaos. The following year, I regained control of the league and imposed my iron-fisted, dictatorial ways. Things are much smoother under my firm hand.

Inevitably there are 3 to 4 major falling outs a year. Major fights, where these 30 year olds refuse to talk to each other for weeks. These fights usually result from the inevitable trashtalking that goes on, trashtalking that often borders on the surreal. Here is a sample of some from the lead up to last year's championship game:

This weekend, your team will be as impotent as an 80 year old dong fresh out of the shower. As you grasp your withered, lifeless vestige of manhood lost, you'll yearn for your days of fantasy football virility.
Now if I am an 80-yr old man, I am not the type with a withered manhood, but rather I am a Charlie Chaplin-esque wizened old Don Juan (CC had babies when he was in his 70's) and I am going to knock your team up like he did his dear wife Oona.
Every sports dynasty is tested by a gatekeeper who first serves as a seemingly insurmountable obstacle. The Cowboys had the 49ers. The Bulls had the Pistons. And I have you. You are a fossil. A relic of a bygone era in fantasy football. You might want to change your Depends and refill your Viagra prescription, because if you're Charlie Chaplin, I'm Joe McCarthy and this weekend your pinko commie ass is going into exile.
You seem to be well-versed in childish things such as bogeyman monsters from kiddie movies and TV shows when you were a wee lad being mocked for trying to intimidate the schoolyard bullies with your weak version of "I Pity the Fool". Winning the Superbowl, however, requires experience. The type of experience that I have had in defeating you 2x in our previous postseason matchups (TB and SB), as well as our meeting this year. My seasoned veteran team has faced adversity, overcome Jesus and all sorts of other problems. We are barely being held together, but we know how to win.
Well I'll be god-damned! FF owners not fit to eat the corn out of my crap are battling for the championship, while I am toiling in utter obscurity somewhwere amongst the base and common masses. I missed the passage where it was written, "honor the mediocre and the shitty, for they shall inherit the earth, whilst the strong shall be consigned to eighth' place."

The last comment was from a guy whose team finished out of the playoffs last year. At least it gave him more time to spend with his 18 month-old son. Thank goodness our wives and girlfriends don't read the league message board.

But, the league is like its own dysfunctional family. A place where we are free to be a bunch of pointless knuckleheads. To act 1000 times more boorishly than we could in our real lives. I am getting so fired up for it.

Unanswered Questions

2006-08-06T14:34:00.000-04:00

Often, people end up at Banality Fair after typing in a search query. And, I fear that the posts those folks are directed to do not directly answer their questions. So, I am going to try and respond to those unanswered questions in this post:

1. To the reader in San Jose who ended up here based on this query, "Is it ok for a Christian to go to a Sikh wedding?": Not only is it ok, it is Christastic! That said, as a Christian, you are not going to be prepared for sitting on the ground cross-legged for an hour and a half. Practice before you go. Or make like the other Sikhs and grab a prime seat along one of the temple walls.

2. A lot of searchers looking for the elusive Dr. Dmitri Zorken. Fellas: He does not exist. Just learn to deal with your small peckers.

3. To our Brazilian from who got here after typing in the query "the world be strange, we all" -- frankly, I cannot help you with this gibberish. But, if you are one of those many, many incredibly hot Brazilian women, email us at banalityfair@yahoo.com and we make your world as strange as you want it.

4. To our friend from San Diego who got here after writing in the following query "step on a used condom" -- I assume you are asking what happens if you do that. The exact same thing that happens when you step on a sidewalk crack. You break your momma's back.

5. Our friend from Bloomingdale, Illinois wonders whether "Gary Fencik gay?" Fabulous, maybe. Gay, I dunno.

6. To the many people from the Phillipines who get hear by typing "fuck mather" -- I'd like to think your typo was hitting "h" instead of "t." That you are saying "fuck matter," because you want to take it to the next dimension. Go from matter to pure energy. Free energy. Yeah, fuck matter! (and you too, thoery of relativity) But, we all know you are actually a bunch of Oedipal sickos.

The Running Of The Brides

2006-08-05T10:29:00.000-04:00

Every year, a certain Filene's Basement (FB) in D.C. stages a "Running of the Brides." Basically, FB slashes the prices of its bridal gowns, and then opens its doors to a mass of women.

What ensues next is carnage. Its like a swarm of pirhanas descending on a wounded cow that stumbled into the Amazon. The dress racks are picked clean in seconds. Some women arrive in gangs, and the weaker women are stripped of the finer fare. The floor at FB at these events often flows with the blood of the weak.

Authorities had implemented several security measures to contain the casualties, but this year's casualties were comparable to last years, 6 dead and 43 injured. Not all the news was bad, though. Amy Johnson was gushed to a local paper, "I got the greatest dress ever! For $349! I hope the blood stains come out eventually."

We do too, Amy.

Eleanor Holmes Norton Interview

2006-08-01T19:02:00.000-04:00

I think it was Michel Foucault who said, "If you can't be with the one you love, they may not exist." Stephen Colbert raises this interesting existentialist syllogism with D.C. Congressional delegate Eleanor Holmes Norton: if we live in the United States, and D.C. is not a state, is it really part of the United States? This interview is the best I have seen in a while:

Magic Beans

2006-07-30T22:53:00.000-04:00

It's true. Really. I have no idea how it happened. How I ended up with a subscription to FHM magazine.

It was just there among the two week pile of magazine. There was Joseph K's name on the subscriber sticker. But, I hadn't paid for it. I tossed it in the trash instantly. Then, I took it out. Yes, I took it out because there was a cover photo of Amanda Beard half-naked being sprayed by water. I mean, what the fuck? It is some subversive shit.

So, I had two week of New Yorkers and FHM to read this afternoon. I wanted to learn more about swimming. Sue me. I read the whole damn thing.

At the end, there was an advertisement for Pro+Plus pills. The title was redundant, the purpose to address a general male anxiety: schlong enlargment.

I read it out of curiousity. Seriously. No, really, seriously. It was a page long and in small print. The only thing in the magazine that dedicated that much attention to any topic. I was impressed with the detail and analytical depth.

The thing that struck me was that it was developed and endorsed by Dr. Dmitri Zorken. Who was this enigmatic Dr. Zorken? The king of enlargement. I thought I would do some internet research. Result: zilch. Nothing about Dr. Dmitri Zorken who has pioneered the art of creating massive schlongs. On the internet. Where sex rules. If one were TC from Illinois who claimed to have gone from 4 to 8 using Pro+Plus, you think he would have created a web site dedicated to the worship of his savior. Zilch.

Maybe this is another case of nature over nuture. The only magical beans in this world grow giant bean stalks and deliver farts. The world is still as I know it.

We love you, David Hasselhoff. You can go now.

2006-07-28T00:25:00.000-04:00

Does anyone think it's ironic - and if not ironic, then very weird - that David Hasselhoff is a judge on a show called "America's Got Talent"?

I love David Hasselhoff in the same way I love William Shatner and Doug Henning. They persist in the nation's celebrity consciousness, even though they elicit giggles at just the mention of their names. They are their own joke. Shatner has taken impressive advantage of his own cheesy persona, so kudos to him. (Check out Shatner's version of Elton John's Rocket Man. Priceless.) Henning, not so much.

But Hasselhoff?

Sure, millions of Germans think he's a rock star. Sure, he'll live on forever in syndicated episodes of Knight Rider and Baywatch. But will anyone ever take his curly-haired, blue-eyed, gangly-bodied displays of shirt-cut-down-to-there, mediocre talent seriously? Or will we all continue to laugh at his obvious silliness, until the hotel minibars of the world finally extinguish his fragile but bitter flame? (Don't forget it was his greedy consumption of the entire contents of a hotel minibar that sent him on the path to - at least - recovery from alcoholism. Now, if those tiny bottles of booze could have done something about his ego...)

I've got 4 words for you: David Hasselhoff: The Musical.

You gotta give the guy some credit for trying, no matter how much you want him to stop.

Universal principles

2006-07-23T21:30:00.000-04:00

I just had a lively, drunken conversation with some friends concerning one of my favorite topics: food.

The precise issue was this: any food will taste better if you add either garlic or chocolate.

(Obviously not both - although I have a friend whose mom dips pickled garlic into hazelnut chocolate sauce. A truly disgusting combination, having tried it myself.)

I can't think of any food where this universal principle wouldn't apply. Can you?

Question

2006-07-22T18:27:00.000-04:00

If I told you I almost got robbed by a "seal," would you think the animal or a Navy SEAL? I had to clarify this for someone, about five minutes into a story. Stupid request for clarification, right? Yes, I understand that the story happened at the beach, but I clearly mentioned the flippers...

Someone evacuate me

2006-07-19T23:15:00.000-04:00

Today I found myself actually wishing I was being evacuated from Beirut. Feeling pangs of jealousy as I clicked on all the news sites, I wanted to be taking off in a helicopter bound for Cyprus. I wanted to board a ship as Israeli bombs thundered in the distance.

I was that bored at work.

Is my job that bad? Not really. It's like an annoying friend whom you've decided to accept. Not that your friend isn't annoying anymore, they just don't bother you quite as much as they did when you first met them. You grow used to their constancy, their irritating presence, that peculiar smell they have. You can't really escape them - they would call constantly, wondering where you are - but every once in a while, you get a few precious hours, or even days, when you're free of them. But there they are when you come back. You think they're OK, though you'd trade up immediately if given the chance.

Every once in a while, though, that friend makes you long to jump out a window. "Anything," you say to yourself as you prepare to break the glass, "anything is better than this."

A colleague of mine just left work for a two-month medical leave. Appears she has "shingles." I still don't really understand what "shingles" are, but her doctor informed her that she needed to take some R&R to get rid of them. So, she's going to travel in France for a few months, hoping her condition improves.

Now I want shingles, too. I don't think I would want to have shingles while I was being evacuated from Beirut. But then again, on a day like today, would that be better or worse than jumping out my window?

Going West

2006-07-16T10:29:00.000-04:00

I am off to Southern California for two weeks on a make or break work project. And of course I am woefully unprepared (that's where you don't tell your colleagues that you did 90% of the work on the five hour flight to CA). Anyway, blogging from me will be light to non-existent. But, M. Fresh should be reappearing in the next day or two to fill the gap, so keep checking with us. I might sneak in a post of two, too. You know, priorities: the people's business or this exercise in narcissism, hmm...

Non Sequitur Wednesday

2006-07-12T22:42:00.000-04:00

The situation in the middle east is escalating. Abductions. Attacks. I like pie, but mostly pecan.

The Shuffling Crew Comeback That Wasn't

2006-07-10T22:09:00.000-04:00

The Onion has this piece on an apparently failed Shuffling Crew comeback attempt. This is one of my favorite Onion articles. Some highlights:

"[The new album] will definitely reflect our maturation as a group and as individuals," said [Fridge] Perry, who may be large but is no dumb cookie. "Back then, we were young, wild and arrogant: Jim [McMahon] had his spiked hair, shades and controversial, message-bearing headbands, and I had my legendary eating exploits and rushing touchdowns. We kind of had this attitude like, 'We're so bad, we know we're good, blowing your mind like we knew we would.' But while the new record will still have that trademark Shufflin' Crew swagger, it will also show our more reflective side."
All of the original Shufflin' Crew members are expected to participate in the reunion except Otis Wilson, who told Spin magazine in a recent interview that his "heart just isn't in it anymore."
"Back when the group first started, we were just struttin' for fun," Wilson said. "But once we hit it big, everything changed. Suddenly, there were business meetings, publicity appearances, video shoots, sponsorship deals. Before long, it wasn't about the music anymore. That's when I knew I had to get out."
In negotiating terms for the new album with Geffen Records, the Shufflin' Crew made one demand: complete creative control over the project.
"We made it clear that under no circumstances would we allow participation by the female referee who twice blew a whistle over our singers' attempts to say the word 'ass' during the 'Shuffle' sessions," backup vocalist Steve Fuller said. "The Bears traffic in the truth, and either you can handle it or you can't. Censorship is slavery."
One of the most successful American bands of the mid-'80s, the Shufflin' Crew broke up in May 1986 due to creative differences and infighting, particularly between Gault and keyboardist Gary Fencik. Gault embarked on a solo career in 1987 and scored a minor hit with the song 'Chocolate Swirl (That's What I'm As Smooth As),' but never equaled the success he had with the Shufflin' Crew. Fencik and Fuller went on to form the band Touchback with New York Giants wide receiver Phil McConkey.

Greatest Band of All Time

2006-07-08T11:33:00.000-04:00

Saw this on Atrios and had to embed the link as well. The Shuffling Crew redefined hiphop in the 1980s. The band was a tight outfit, with Stephan Humfries on drums, Calvin Thomas on drums, Dennis Gentry on bass, Mike Tomczak rocking out on guitar and Tyrone Keys on -- appropriately enough -- keyboard. The rappers were world class. Before there was Eminem, Steve Fuller (4) was clearly the funkiest white rapper around. Mike Singletary made it cool to have big glasses. Otis Wilson got the ladies steamed. Enjoy.