Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Too much porn

Why is it that when you tell a man in a dance club that you're a lesbian, he almost invariably tries to convince you otherwise?

I have been quite unfortunate in the past few weeks, because a friend of mine is having a midlife crisis and wants to frequent dance clubs so she can flirt with men who are in no way like her husband. If I don't go with her - because all of her other friends are housewives - then no one will, and the thought of her showing up at these places alone is worse than me leaving the comfort of my couch for an evening.

Let's just be straight about this: I hate dance clubs to the very core of my being. Dance clubs rank prominently among The Things M. Fresh Hates Most, somewhere amidst anal polyps (I've never had one, but am fairly certain I would hate them), financial distress, really bad sex and Vanilla Ice.

There you are, trying to gyrate around in darkness punctuated by yellow, green, blue and red light, disoriented and lost in music you don't recognize because it all sounds the same. There you are, trying put as good a face forward as you can, even though you are about 10 years older than those who gyrate around you, and you suck at dancing. You spin around -- one of your more embarrassing dance moves -- and you suddenly realize that some tool of a guy has been air-grinding you from behind for the past 15 minutes. He says, "Hey." You say, "hey." He propositions you. You decline. He insists. You decline again. He presses. You say you're a lesbian. He says he can make you change.

Because he's that amazing.

I think some men in this country have been crippled by watching too much porn. When you actually think that a random encounter with a stranger you've air-grinded in a shitty dance club will result with you and me and some blond chick with huge boobs having a threesome in a hot tub, your expectations may be a wee bit high, and are undoubtedly fueled by porn. (Besides, having sex in a hot tub -- or on a beach, for that matter -- is seriously overrated. The Discomfort Factor is too alarming.)

I told the guy that I wasn't interested in dick. I am on most normal days, but I just wanted to be left alone. You'd think that would resolve the matter. My friend was flirting with her guys, and I just wanted to sulk in a corner, be the pissed-off lesbian, and make sure she got home safe to her kids.

But wouldn't you know it? This guy - who was about 5 feet tall, all muscles and hair and gold chains -- kept coming back to try to lure me to his love lair. On his third visit to The Angry Lesbian Corner, he said, "So, have you reconsidered?"

As if one's sexuality was something one "reconsidered" at a dance club at 2 in the morning.

"Let me ask you something," I said. "Do you still have a dick?"

"Yeah."

"Then I'm still not interested."

The porn industry would surely collapse if I were at the helm.

4 Comments:

Blogger Sharfa said...

Great comeback line!

Slimy, self important lotharios like that increase the vomit factor of danceclubs substantially. Check back in 10 years and I bet he'll still be trying to sell the same pile of horse shit.

11:54 AM  
Blogger Natalia said...

LOL

Great, great comeback, I agree.

I like to dance, but most clubs are... er... wanting, to put it mildly.

I've actually had to ask a friend to pretend to be my girlfriend at a party a while back. I was single at the time, a freshman, no less, and this utterly clueless senior dude had himself convinced that I would want him simply because he's an upperclassman and president of some lame club. When I ran into him at the only decent party in town that night, I had to text my friend and ask her to drag me away while acting extremely jealous.

Worked for me.

You'd think I'd give up on dance clubs after that, but I'm all about shaking my bum, for better or for worse.

2:51 PM  
Blogger Joseph K said...

God, and here I was thinking the world was filled with lesbians. Now I know.

10:58 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Why is it that when you tell a man in a dance club that you're a lesbian, he almost invariably tries to convince you otherwise?

Because women in dance clubs who say this are almost invariably lying.

6:21 PM  

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