Tuesday, January 03, 2006

Proportionality - and Happy New Year

Well, old M. Fresh sat down over the weekend and tried to come up with some New Year's resolutions. Given that the brain was addled by a steady application of champagne and Greyhound cocktails (great and wonderful amounts of vitamin C for those who want to mellow out and thwart a nasty virus at the same time), and horrified by Dick Clark's "comeback" -- god, get that man to a hospital -- I wasn't expecting any revelations that might save the world in some way. And why save myself, I asked myself? No. No quitting smoking. No "I will become a Goddess of Exercise" shenanigans. No no no.

This year, I will try to achieve proportionality with my neighbors in the condo complex next door.

In attempting to achieve this goal, I have promised myself that I will spy on my neighbors with greater frequency. In my neighborhood, there's a particular menace whom we'll call P. He's not a bad guy, but he does tend to enter your yard to inspect your lawn in the summer (wearing a badge, no less) to ensure that you are in compliance with watering restrictions. He sifts through your trash, because you have not thrown it in the dumpster properly, probably gleaning information about you that might cause you to invest in a shredder. If you break P's rules, you can expect a city inspector to show up at your door and leave a citation for a hefty fine. P. is like this, because he doesn't have anything to do, and lost his wife a few years ago. I feel bad for him. But I don't feel bad for P. when I spot him, in his window, staring out across the parking lot between us, with binoculars, while I am changing out of my work clothes every day. P. is giving me the creeps. Drapes are not enough. P. must be made to feel what it is like to be under 24-hour surveillance.

Other neighbors have walked by my house and, seeing me smoking outside, have commented on something that occurred in my fenced-in backyard. The Condo People can see into my yard from their balconies, and they let me know about it. Like when I set up a grow light in a back room of my house. To grow herbs (of the cooking variety) in the winter time.
Neighbor: Hey, whatcha growin?
Me: Huh?
Neighbor: Saw your grow light, dude.
Me: Um...I'm growing herbs.
Neighbor: Right on, dude!
Me: HerbZ, with an "s." Like coriander.
Neighbor: Sure, dude! Later!
These people must be informed that they, too, are being watched. This is going to require me to purchase a high-powered telescope. I am not afraid.

The other thing I'm going to do in order to achieve proportionality is to pee on the condo complex next door, as well as its nice fluffy lawn. Several Condo People have dogs. And when those dogs take a walk, the Condo People see no problem in letting their dogs pee and shit on my house and lawn, as long as I'm not out there smoking and keeping an eye on them. I can't smoke enough to do so. I've even been inside, and seen them surreptitiously let the dogs do their business, and then slink away, like they're getting away with something. It's gross, yes, but I will say it: gardening, sinking your hands into the soil and then [surprise!] smushing into some surreptitious dog shit is not a pleasant experience.

I don't have a dog, or I would set it loose on the condo complex and its residents and pets. However, I am able to pee. Prodigiously. Proportionality would dictate that I pee on them, at the same rate and volume that they pee on me. I figure I can achieve proportionality with pee alone, as long as I eat some asparagus beforehand.

2006 is going to be a great year.


Blogger Jenn said...

This all seems a most fitting and proportional set of resolutions. And much more useful than most resolutions, too. Enjoy keeping them!

10:33 PM  

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