Saturday, December 03, 2005

Evolution

I've done my bit of complaining about The Squirrel Menace, as they gather together every autumn to piss and shit into my morning coffee. And Joseph K recently provided a recipe for fried squirrels. I appreciate that recipe, because it requires dead squirrels for preparation. However, once dead, I'd be satisfied with that. No need to crown them with the additional title of "dinner." But this latest news out of Russia chilled me to the bone: Russian Squirrel Pack Kills Dog. Just as the title suggests, a group of squirrels decided they had endured enough of a stray dog's barking, jumped it and killed it, "taking pieces of their kill away with them."

I'm still shuddering.

A few days ago, I found a mouse swimming (breaststroke) around in a bag of trail mix in my kitchen. Disgusted, I immediately set out several traps. Now, the modern mouse slayer knows that you can't just put a piece of cheese on the trigger like you could in the old days. Mice have developed some known but as-yet unobserved method of removing the cheese without springing the trap. Everyone swears that peanut butter will do the trick. But how disconcerted was I to find the trigger licked clean of peanut butter 4 mornings in a row, trap unsprung? How did he do it? Determined, I jammed a peanut into a hole in the center of the trigger. No way would the mouse be able to take the peanut without springing the trap. Wrong again. An empty trap awaited me in the morning. When I picked it up, it snapped and almost took off my finger.

All of this leads me to conclude that the animals are evolving. Rapidly. Pretty soon, they'll be speaking French and using opposable thumbs to grab canapes off platters at cocktail parties. They'll dance the Tango, wear our socks, and eat our Wheaties with spoons. They'll gossip by water coolers and take our jobs. If squirrels are turning into murderous carnivores, and humans can't outsmart mice, it's only a matter of time. They must be stopped.

3 Comments:

Blogger Stefanie said...

Peanut butter sprinkled with parmesan cheese.

Catch the wave!

11:33 AM  
Blogger M. Fresh said...

Excellent idea. I'm trying that one tonight. The little bastard still eludes me!

12:17 PM  
Blogger Joseph K said...

The rats in NY have already evolved. They are all huge, about 5'8 standing on their hind legs in some parts of the city. I remember one summer when I was subletting a place on 108 between Amsterdam and Broadway. The rats on 108 had evolved into human lowlifes. I would come home from work, and there they would be sitting on the stoop, smoking, drinking cheap beer out of a can and catcalling the women walking by. Sometimes they'd be lifting wieghts in the streets. The good thing is that they generally kept to themselves and scared off the local thugs.

1:06 PM  

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