Sunday, September 18, 2005

Of Green Jettas And Britney Spears

The man in the green Jetta ahead of me is feverishly tapping his hand on the dashboard, bobbing his head.

He spot checks himself in the rear view mirror and smooths back his hair. Or the absence therof. He cranes his head out of the window, looks up, looks ahead, pops his head back inside the car, changes lanes, and then suddenly swerves back into my lane for no apparent reason. He flips me the single gun salute for "letting" him back in and starts tapping his left hand on the dashboard again in tune with music I can't hear. He sticks his arm out the window to make waves in the wind with his hand, hits his right turn signal, turns it off, bobs his head, hikes his sunglasses on top of his head, then lowers them to his eyes again.

The man in the green Jetta is alone in the car. He's not on a cell phone. I thought he was on a cell phone because he was driving as if he'd recently undergone a frontal lobotomy. But I was wrong about that. Then I thought he was getting a blow job (i.e., road head). Nope. No one else in there. At least that would have been amusing. And understandable.

He's just driving, making sure everyone knows he's there, that he's enjoying his music and his Jetta and himself. As I switch lanes to stop beside him at the next light, I think I hear Britney Spears singing of sex and virginity and all the spaces in between. He looks over at me and smiles, bobbing his head, of course. I cringe and grudgingly smile back. Then, when the light changes, he zips ahead, swerves into my lane, and keeps tapping that infernal hand on the dashboard. He stops at the next light. The next light changes. He flips me another single gun salute as he speeds off. I decide that I hate him.

I begin to question his motives.

Could he be flirting? No, because even the most inadequate flirt knows that you don't piss a girl off by trying to crash into her with a Jetta. That would be wrong.

Is he worshipping at the altar of celebrity in a green German automobile? Perhaps there is no world outside his fantasy of himself and Ms. Spears, bumping, grinding, sweatily sliding all over each other amongst a plethora of backup dancers in tattered, revealing clothes. Perhaps he's trying to impress Her, as if She, so bloated, so puffy of ankle, so close to labor now, is looking through a crystal ball right at that moment, seeing the man who really loves Her, who is paying homage to Her by intensely irritating all neighboring drivers.

Is he so insecure, that he's making up for the fact that he's alone by showing everyone that he, in fact, is very happy -- ecstatic, even -- about being alone? Just him and Britney and his green Jetta, savoring the sunlight and the not-so-open road, making enemies with the irate female in the beat up car with the cracked windshield behind him?

Or is he just an asshole?


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1:18 AM  
Blogger Joseph K said...

I think Britney gave birth last week. To the incubus, I believe.

Weird: I heard that on a sportstalk radio station. It was a lead story.

Ok, I give up; I am putting the word verification pre-req on comments later today. The first spam commentator actually had some useful information of a celebrity break up. The last spammer just had bad grammar and puzzling capitalization.

7:59 AM  
Blogger Jenn said...

(gotta love that word verification...)

two words: Volkswagon Driver.

I know so many otherwise nice people who, once they sit behind the wheel of their excessively loved Volkswagon, become absolute jackasses on the road. (Mostly Golfs and Jettas. For some reason, VW vans and Beetles don't count.)

Okay, there are exceptions - I know a few. (bad me, for generalizing) But, aren't those exceptions are just the ones that prove the rule??

8:49 PM  
Blogger Sharfa said...

Ahh- the things we see when we don't drive a Humvee!

With a ginormous diamond plate pushbumper on the front, no less!

I vote for asshole.

9:43 AM  
Blogger Johnny C. said...

Green Jetta eh?

Well, he'll probably be listening to Britney on the side of the road sometime soon. Those things fall apart left and right.

Nice post.

9:47 AM  

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